Literally Hitler Brings Peace To Kenosha, Wisconsin, Via The Mass Genocide Of Rioters


KENOSHA,WI— Rioting by virtue-signaling libtards continued for days after the justifiable shooting of a Black criminal, when said criminal refused to listen to law enforcement’s commands by subsequently walking back to his vehicle in order to reach for ‘something’. To the thanks of one hero, peace was finally restored to the city when literally Hitler emerged from the flames to exterminate all rioters.


Wearing nothing but the most flamboyant Hawaiian shirt, donning 80’s rock star-esq mascara to his already smokey eyes, literally Hitler appeared out of the flames of a nearby retailer wielding an impressive loadout.


“It was by far a superior choice,” said Toby McKenna, who is an avid Battlefield V gamer, and witness to the carnage. “I mean, literally Hitler had an MG42, Stick grenades, an MP40 slung around his back and a Luger for a secondary to finish off some of those fucking faggots. It was fucking, lit!”


State and local police had been ineffective in using rubber bullets, and tear gas on the rioters. It wasn’t until someone with balls of iron [literally Hitler] showed up that the madness would end, and the resulting peace and quiet, flourish.


“It didn’t matter if we used the tear gas,” Sgt. Randall told the media. “Those whiny protesters/rioters were crying even before we’d got to the scene of all the burning, looting and murdering (BLM).”


As literally Hitler began his cleansing fire around 9:18 PM local time, rioters were thrown off guard when literally Hitler chose to use real grenades, instead of gassing them all.


“I was really taken aback when I saw literally Hitler start blowing those fucking morons up with those standard issue stick grenades that the Germans used during WWII,” said one witness who wanted to remain anonymous. “You would think literally Hitler would have loved to gas them all….but he didn’t. Like, who does this guy think he is?”


After throwing all of his grenades, literally Hitler was reported to have taken a perfect vantage point on a nearby mound in where he set-up his MG42 on its bi-pod, and placed a six-pack of Schneider Weisse Aventinus Eisbock on-top of an ammo crate.


In proceeding to rake the crowd of rioters at 25 rounds per second with 7.92 millimeter ammunition, literally Hitler allegedly used burst fire for the upmost accuracy, and took short breaks off the trigger in order to take some sips from his beer.


“It was like watching someone painting the most beautiful Picasso,” said Laura Diandre, a fourth year art student and bystander to the beautiful agony of dying rioters. "He was so hawt in that shirt, and when he put his aviators on to cut the glare off from those burning flames in the foreground, well, lets just say my panties needed to be changed."


Most of the city praised literally Hitler for his stunning display of machismo, and talent for mass murder, calling his tactics “surprising”, “refreshing” and “more entertaining than gas chambers”.


The JewYork Times gave his performance in Kenosha 1 Gold star, citing ‘historical inaccuracies with known personal methods of extermination’.


Literally Hitler had this to say in rebuttal to the poor review:

“The Jews are just jealous they got the boring gas chambers…instead of explosions, and the meat-grinder that is the MG42. It’s 2020, Jews. Gassing is so 1940’s.”


According to advanced projections by the local municipality of Kenosha, crime in the city for next year is forecast to hit record lows, citing 100% decrease. Polls from major cities across America all show that 60-80% “Want literally Hitler to show up to their city to restore peace and quiet”.

“I mean, with all the losers, gangbangers, welfare scum, and whiny cunts virtually eradicated from this city…I don’t see how we would have next to anything resembling what we did before,” said Patrick Vanderborg, a local official. “If we can exterminate all the inferior people, leaving the superior ones to continue being rational, law abiding citizens, then there would be no officer involved shootings!


Literally Hitler’s rampage reportedly lasted all but 15-minutes, a record he has allegedly voiced as being 'acceptable to his standards'. After running out of 7.92 belt ammo by the 10-minute mark of the once in a lifetime genocide, literally Hitler was then reportedly seen either forcing his Luger, or opting to ‘tea bag’ his ball-sack into the mouths of twitching, moaning, and withering survivors—told them to “Suck mein schnitzel” before pulling the trigger, and blowing their fucking faces, clean off.


The city of Kenosha will be erecting a statue of literally Hitler later this year, in honor of his bringing peace and quiet to a city that had been ravaged by losers, goons, and morons.


#satire #humor