CEDARWOOD HILLS, CO—Women across America say they're very angry as their oil businesses, which are clearly labeled essential, are nonetheless being called non-essential by government and medical officials. This proudly delusional multi-level marketing industry, a non-lucrative side hustle for many moronic middle-aged women, has now been officially labeled: Worthless.
The women/“business owners” say they are organizing protests— where they will stand six feet apart, of course— and write posts on their cut and paste, easy-to-create, free-to-use, Facebook pages. Some violent women are even creating essential oil Molotov cocktails to throw at government buildings. They don't do any damage, however they do make the place smell nice.
Local woman Karen Evans-McFay, who insisted everyone kept her name hyphenated for “business” and “professional” reasons, said she was "outraged" and "annoyed" and "couldn't even" when her local government informed her selling essential oils is not an essential business.
Evans-McFay, like many of her ilk, had voted Democrat all their life and for more Big Government reach. The irony, being the “business owners” that they claim to be, has been considered by most on-lookers to be, “quite hilarious” and “one of the best comedy scenes of this century”.
The essential oils businesses in her area were ordered to stop holding sales pitches in the homes of their friends and family members; the subsequent, frequent and annoying DM’s to family and friends of Evans-McFay, regarding her new “health & Wellness” gig, have thankfully, ceased.
“I love my friend dearly,” said close friend and former essential oils mommy blogger, Tania Allan-DeSanto.
“But, you’re not going to make any money if your downline consists of family, friends and other essential oil ‘CEO’ moms!” added Allan-DeSanto, who is in rough financial shape after her yoga and essential oils racked when tits-up, and whom Evans-Mcfay tried to sell to, repeatedly out of desperation. "Like, I know lots of people struggling in this essential oil business, we all want to pump each others products on social media, and dump them onto the ones we love, but yeah...the internet is hard..."
Evans-McFay said she wasn't going to take this lying down, however, as she's determined to fight for her right to sell essential oils for approximately $1.05 an hour.
A woman, like many like her, have poured all their energy into telling the world (friends, family and co-workers) how peaceful they are, and how they want others to share in the journey toward eternal solace.
“I’ve taken out loans and screamed at my husband many nights to top-up my business’ coffers; I am too far in the hole at this point to give-up! I fucking hate this goddamn planet and everyone in it right now!” shouted Evans-McFay, while she received another shipment of 800 cases containing oils, healing crystals, energy salts and incense. “I am very incensed at the moment, fuck off!”
According to her husband Jay McFay, Karen refuses to work a real job because it doesn’t “fill her soul” and is not "part of her truth and journey”.
“I can’t say no to her, or she will just yell and beat-me-up at night when all the neighbors can hear,” said Mr. McFay, while nervously looking around for his wife. “She wants to fill her soul, but honestly, I just hope we can fill our stomachs with actual food tonight, and keep the lights on for once this month…”
Jim Hastings, an investment manager at SeekingAlpha Capital Management appeared in a segment on MSNBC. “WTI crude, I wouldn’t touch it. Oil is almost as worthless as essential ones…”
Selling stupid shit that nobody wants has always been a practice of middle-aged women for centuries. The COVID-19 pandemic has made that worthless pursuit even more difficult for women already struggling mentally, financially, all the while trying to feed their cats, and keep the Merlot well stocked— trying to avoid real work, toil and sweat, in order to pay off the 30-year mortgage before their deathbed.
“Avoiding real work is an inherent, female trait,” said clinical psychologist Dr. Alfonso Vinchetti. “In Karen’s case we can see clear delusions of grandeur with regards to her shitty business model, and not expanding her target market to greater circles. I mean, for Christ sakes, we have the internet in where you can reach millions of people across the world!” added Vinchetti, while trying hard not to laugh. “Seriously, though, the main issue with Karen is that she is a moron, quite frankly.”
In a fit-of-rage, and unbecoming of the peaceful image she projects online, Evans-McFay had been seen driving recklessly to her local municipal government office, cursing at everyone to “get the fuck out of my way!” with her window rolled down.
"Excuse me, I'd like to speak to a manager!" the indignant Evans-McFay shouted as a county official told her that selling essential oils is not essential. "What could be more essential than essential oils? It says they're essential right in the name you fucking sexist, racist, misogynist, bigot!"
After threatening the Council members with mace, and insisting they all tried to rape her, Evans-McFay made everyone in the room hear her short, two-hour sales pitch, and sent everyone home with a free care package of oils, healing beads and energy salts. “Don’t forget to like, follow and share my Facebook and Instagram pages, or else its rape!”
The only female county official in attendance is now in her downline. Karen had made a new financial record of $5.99 this month.