Los Angeles, CA— Known for its sun soaked shores, glitzy nightlife and celebrity overdoses, the city of dreamers beyond the gloss has a darker side: The streets are littered with homeless yoga devotees and former studio owners.
Kesha Ronaldo, a 38-year-old woman, whose life is a third over at this point, had decided a few years back to finally start planning for her future, by not having one at all. This was Ronaldo's first day being homeless.
Ronaldo started to beam with unbridled enthusiasm as she spoke,"By becoming homeless, it is impossible for me to fail further in life!" The sounds of the highway were barely allowing her words to be audible. "If I just breath deeply, meditate by humming all day long, things will just work out, right? This is going to be just A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!"
She has dreams of spreading joy to the earth, eating FroYos all day, and making peace with her past failures. “I wanted to really sink my soul and teeth into the yoga lifestyle,” Ronaldo said while chewing on a stale piece of bread, and accidentally farting in the midst of doing a child’s pose.
“The only way I could achieve that enlightenment was to spend thousands of dollars that I didn’t have on studio courses, yoga pants, mats and expensive retreats out in the desert. Basically, become destitute to society.”
The smell of Ronaldo’s flatulence was dampened by the stench of the homeless camp in which she was practicing yoga out of. “Those sounds you just heard, coming from my asshole, were my Chakras being balanced,” Ronaldo added nervously, while trying not to draw attention to her disheveled look.
Her attire consisted of the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of thots, while she unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat, and began training with her legendary yoga ball known as The Round One—her yoga pants smelled of homeless men's shit and cum. Moments later, a loud popping sound could be heard ricocheting off the buildings.
With no man, kids or another job on the horizon, Ronaldo adhered to the wise and ancient sounding philosophy touted by modern yoginis everywhere: "Trying is the first step toward failure."
“We are all worried about Kesha,” said one of her friends.
“She always does this sort of 'life spiral' in where she will try to avoid all her issues by jumping on the next bandwagon, and call it ‘her journey’”.
Many have said that the yoga culture in the West has been commercialized to a point in where it is just another MLM (Multi-level-marketing).
“Yoga in the West is a scam sold by clothing companies, juice bars, and the self-help industry. They exploit people’s anxieties and negative self-image, promising to fill emotional voids with pop spirituality, minimal exercise, butt-lifting stretchy pants, and a superficially wholesome lifestyle that will bleed you dry. Yoga studios in America are essentially cults,” said Jeff McGregor, a professor of kinesiology at UCLA, who finally told everyone how he really felt.
When reaching out to Ronaldo’s parents, who had been wondering why their daughter recently took out a reverse mortgage on her house, a loan from the bank, and started cyber-begging all over Facebook to friends and family, showed extreme concern about the lifestyle and mental state of their adult-child.
“I just don’t get how my own flesh and blood could be so stupid and naïve,” said Mr. Ronaldo as he picked his nose and then ate his findings. “I mean, for Christ’s sake, yoga isn’t even exercise!”
Kesha’s mother shook her head, “My daughter also thought that having sex with lots of men, and giving blowjobs to foreigners while vacationing in her twenties was a ‘journey’”.
When researching the merits of the yoga practice, we found some startling revelations.
Researchers from the University of California have just published the findings of a study which compared gym-goers to people who practice yoga in a studio environment. The study followed 2,112 participants who joined either a gym or a yoga studio between December 20, 2014 and January 7, 2015. Of these, 983 exercised at a gym while 1129 opted for yoga. All participants fulfilled their respective regimens at least twice a week for at least the first 6 months of the study period, which ended on April 13, 2016.
It should hardly come as a surprise that with regard to strengthening muscles, losing weight, and improving overall physical fitness, yoga didn’t even come close to achieving the results of a regular gym routine made up of cardio, weight training, and simple stretches. While it should be noted that diet was not a variable in the study, the gym members as a whole lost an impressive 231% more weight than the yoga group. They also gained 78% more muscle mass than those who practiced yoga.
One main difference lay in the amount of money each group was willing to spend on their self-improvement. A yoga class costs significantly more than the average visit to a gym. In addition, aspiring yogis spent an average of 402% more on clothing and gear, and 56% more on post-workout beverages and snacks.
While trying to shoo away two horny and diseased homeless men, it was clear that Ronaldo had finally achieved that Bohemian dream, having spent every penny she had on trying to feel happy with herself—living like a true anti-Capitalist and a lover of Mother earth.
“You’re not supposed to be competitive at yoga, and I wasn’t competitive with others so much as with myself. It became natural to go every day, to pull 'doubles' (when you attend two classes in a row) on weekends,” said Tracy Dickenson, a former victim of the yoga industrial complex.
“There’s a cultishness to yoga — a natural outgrowth, I think, of intense physical and spiritual experiences — and it’s fair to say that I was addicted. I didn’t know my teachers in any capacity other than the 90 minutes of interaction, but I felt strongly about them, venerated them, craved their approval. At one point I even sucked-off one of the male teachers until ejaculation, and tribbed with a yogini!”
Later that week, Ronaldo had been found by police beaten, bruised and jizzed on several times.
“I haven’t eaten in days, my climate footprint is just amazing right now!” Ronaldo said while in a meditative pose. It had been learned that she'd been sustaining herself on a strict vegan diet of dirt, rotten discarded vegetables from the back alley of an Olive Garden, and semen. “I can just feel those loving Chakra beams coming down on me,” she added while a homeless gentleman quietly stumbled next to her, pulled out his dirty dick, and jizzed on her face.