• Frank Cervi

Desert Island: Rachel Homan


Welcome to the island, Rachel Homan.

It is an age old question, but I started comically asking myself the other day what I would take/want on the Red Island after civilization had destroyed itself from its own gynocentric stupidly and failed policies based on Feelz.

Now, I know nothing about curling; nor do I care about learning how to play, or what the fuck a “Hog Line” is. However, Rachel Homan makes me care…about tuning in when she is prancing around on that ‘sheet’. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Women’s Curling is like the housewives club of the sports world”, and that there are plenty of hotties in other sports genres.

Yes, that’s true.

However, I like to find diamonds in faraway places and in regions where they are surrounded by the generic. I could have easily picked what every other normie and un-creative dude-Bro would: Eugene Bouchard, Carmen Jodra, Danica Patrick, Michelle Janneke, Siljie Norendal, Beatriz Recari, Clair Bidez, Kiira Korpi, Maria Kirilenko, Tina Maze, Ellen Hoog, Meghan Hardin, Blair O’Neal, Alex Morgan, and Jennie Finch. Just to name a few.

I get why women love curling, don’t get me wrong. It’s the ideal workplace for them; they get to yell and scream, use a broom, and wear yoga pants all day—Very empowering. Plus, there are no men! They are free from the chains of the 'evil patriarchy' while they sweep and clean the ice with state-of-the-art brooms made and invented by their oppressors.

If you’ve ever been bored on a rainy and overcast day, during the Canadian winter months, you more than likely will watch anything on TV, or flip to something for some background noise while you work on shit.

If Rachel Homan is on, sure, I’ll fuck’n tune in. If you’ve ever seen this fiery vixen melt the ice (looks great for 28) and work her way around a rock and a broom, you can’t help but hope that the camera man at the rink does his job correctly—making sure you get the most out of your viewing experience.

God bless cameramen everywhere. We salute you. Cameramen, in my humble opinion, are the real heroes of our nation, second to veterans and current service members, of course.

Desert Island: Chapter 1

Homan's Homecoming

If you had to pick the first woman (yes, more women will be added in the future to the Desert Island), Rachel Homan would be a good first choice in the very early stages of Island building. A deserted island is just that: deserted. There are no indigenous peoples, enemies, or crazy bearded ISIS fucks driving U-Hauls down sidewalks at 80mph. You can do all the building of the first hut/shack; with basic floor boards and a palm tree roof enclosure. Rachel, with her unquestionable sweeping skills, can make sure the sand stays out of your love shack—while keeping dat ass tight and curling figure flawless, by going all “Hurry Hard” on those floorboards and finding good sized, well balanced stones, for the making of a fireplace.

A fireplace that will be used to cook the day’s catch and to reminisce about how much better off you both are that winter is no longer a thing, and how her degree from UofOttawa proves to be worthless on a desert island, after a societal collapse, even though it served her nothing as an amazing curler. You would think this Canadian treasure would be a bit uppity; her, with a University degree from UofOttawa and the clear dominance that she shows on the sheet among her teammates as the alpha Ice Queen. However, on the island and in a tropical setting, Homan would be way out of her comfort zone; no ice for miles and not even a hope to build a sheet; since there isn’t any plumbing, infrastructure for cooling and keeping a pad frozen in an environment that laughs at ice.

However, you would laugh, and she’d joke about how it would be “fun/exciting” if her long-time Third, Emma Miskew, could come join you both in your shack on the island. You would of course, laugh. But then ask the words , “Are you serious?” and listen intently. Then, thereafter, do your best to build a transport boat, or find a washed-up bottle to put a message to Miskew in it, or perhaps train an army of carrier birds; to get the message to Emma that Rachel and you doth request another broom in your humble abode—to sweep the embers of lust off the fucking floor boards. Rachel could focus on the ‘button’ and you, wield the ‘hammer’.

Some women have it, that je ne sais quoi. You can't put your finger on it, but its there. You get that old-fashioned, romantic feeling, where you would even goes as far as to take up curling, to get all up in dat splice. It's not that Homan is "give me AIDS" hot, or that she is such a boner motivator that you would suck the fart out of her butt-hole. She just has it. What ever it is. Granted, she is pretty hot and you would be remiss if you wouldn't be obliged to be stuck with her after the decline of the modern day shit-hole that is Canada...and the greater West.

Rachel Homan; a Canadian treasure. An island treasure.

Read Chatper 2: Platten's Paradise

If you need any more evidence, even after reading, I will leave you with this curation from Curlingbabes(who ever puts these together/edits them is a genius). I laughed so hard when I stumbled upon this channel and video in particular; because I couldn't believe something like this existed. The double replay at the end, the slow motion smile. Just hilarious and beautiful, all at once. A true artist.

"And there it is....."

#RachelHoman #Satire #Culture

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© 2020 Frank Cervi