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C|Suite Letters: My Boyfriend, The Dirty Prick

C|Suite is a men's magazine founded by Frank Cervi. It combines urban/office life-style articles with soft-core pornographic pictorials. In recent years, C-Suite introduced the 'letters' column in which readers send in borderline ridiculous sexcapades, resulting often in explicit and unnecessary detail.


My Boyfriend, The Dirty Prick

C|Suite Letters

Dear C|Suite,

I never thought the day would come, but I have finally found true happiness.

As a 27-year-old woman from the San Francisco metropolitan area, for years I have struggled to find a man worthy of my time, my heart; someone who I was willing to sacrifice the wear and tear on my vagina for.

The ideal guy for me would be the kind of man who has enough free time in the world to always be planning fun activities and taking me on little excursions. Up until a month ago, I was hopeless in finding this ideal man.

I can say with confidence today, my current boyfriend has all the free time in the universe to make me happy. Yes, I am dating an unemployed homeless man!

It has been absolutely amazing thus far!

Mornings are a lot better, now that I've met the man of my dreams. If you would’ve asked me years ago what I was doing at 6:30 AM before work, I most likely would’ve confessed to either crying or masturbating—both at the same time on most mornings.

Now, both of those activities rarely enter into my daily repertoire. I am just too busy and happy squatting on-top of my homeless boyfriend!

Speaking of squatting, is there anything hotter than having a man in your life that has total freedom to do as he pleases? To eat, shit, piss and fuck wherever and whenever he wants?

My old boyfriends don’t even come close in comparison to the level of status to which my new homeless boyfriend, has.

For instance, if you asked me whether or not my boyfriend has a pool, I would have to say that he doesn’t. He has the Pacific Ocean in his backyard, instead!

Is your boyfriend’s place having renovations done constantly by the city? Yeah, I thought so, bitch.

In fact, the building adjacent to one of my boyfriend's many street corners, sidewalks, and alleyways that he gets to reside in, is getting work done on it as I type this: All paid for by the taxpayer. Can you say that about your pathetic boyfriend, who gets nothing for free because nobody cares about him? That’s right, your boyfriend isn’t as high-status as mine, bitch!

Is your boyfriend as dirty as mine is, in bed?

He probably isn’t because my boyfriend doesn’t have running water, a bathtub of his own or a shower to soap-off in. My boyfriend is always dirty in bed with me. His cock is so fucking dirty that I have to suck it clean. That’s how dirty he makes me feel. Can your boyfriend make you feel that dirty, that much of a raw woman?

I don’t fucking think so, bitch!

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Going down on my homeless boyfriend’s cock is more of an organic experience than shopping at the local vegan market. Sucking on his dirty dick, I find I can taste the earth.

Every morsel and every mineral, tasting weeks upon weeks of travel on him; the park bench by the ocean; a walk near the chemical plants; a stroll down by the fish market; a unannounced nap in someone’s garden. I can taste it all. His being; his essence.

Your slick, corporate boyfriend probably shaves himself clean like a 19-year-old college girl.

My homeless boyfriend’s pubic region looks like the beard of a millennial, soy-boy—an enchanted forest to which one can explore in crapulence. Every breath is life; every sniff while sucking him off is a gift of that. Yes, my homeless boyfriend’s pubes are like a lion’s mane—greasy, shiny and smooth.

A true alpha he is.

My homeless boyfriend is probably more adventurous than your boring, six-figure, office ogre, mint-green button down, khaki cunt of a man who has a beer-gut due to the fact that he drives his own car everyday, takes the elevator instead of the stairs— unlike my boyfriend who walks everywhere.

Cardio is key to a good fuck, don’t cha know?

When my boyfriend fucks me like the dirty girl I am, he opens my eyes to the world in a way that I'd never thought possible.

Just think, if all of us liberal women dated homeless, unemployed men, we could all save the world from environmental disaster!

It would be true organic living. Minimal Co2 emissions since our boyfriends wouldn't have their own cars. They wouldn't work for evil, profit hungry at the expense of nature’s bounty corporations, earning a hefty six-figs plus bonuses.

We should all go on a diet of homeless dick!

For instance, the other night when he[my dirty, homeless boyfriend] bent me over one of the large green dumpsters behind that Denny’s between 4th and 5th street, I saw the underbelly of society, mid-orgasm.

You will never look at rats in the same way after staring at two gnawing-on a week's old, head lettuce. Or the way the light from a lamp post makes human fecal matter glisten as it marinates in a shallow puddle of water from yesterday’s rain storm. Or, mistaking the water droplets from the condensation of an apartment's air conditioner falling onto the small of your back for your boyfriend's jizz that had been peculating inside of his nut sack for 5-days.

Talk about, thrilling! Erotic.

To get a relentless pounding on the pussy whilst witnessing two Chinamen initiate a heroin deal with some Russian mobsters, really makes you feel connected to all things: Grounded to the city; to be one with life; the bad along with the amazing.

The grooves on the concrete wall of the Denny’s, I would’ve never noticed them if it had not been for my homeless boyfriend wanting to take me back to his place, lift my skirt and give my pussy the pump-action, 12 gauge (inch) special!

You will never know how good your moaning and screams sound until they are echoing throughout a dark and desolate alleyway, midtown.

You will never know how strong and brave you are, as a woman, until you can let yourself finally cum whilst knowing rodents are the ones brushing against your ankles, shitting and pissing on those new set of heels you just bought over at Paolo’s on Hayes street!

Have you ever made love on-top of a comfy, hot bag of garbage in a random alleyway in San Francisco?


You haven’t truly lived, yet.

To know that there is a chance of getting pricked by a needle and contracting a deadly disease while you let your homeless boyfriend treat your vagina like a dirty sock from when he was a teenager, is the ultimate high.

My life, now, is just full of excitement and risk; one giant adventure.

My homeless boyfriend is one, dirty prick. He makes me moist.

What gets me off, even more so, is the fact that I know every other woman out there is extremely jealous of the fact that their boyfriends just, simply, can’t compete!

Yours truly horny,

Ms.Dirty - enlightened, lover of all things organic

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