Oh,oh,oh It's Magic
Dear C|Suite: I never thought that this would happen to me, especially since I am now a 36-year-old woman whose time is heavily devoted to her career as an Assistant Events Coordinator.
A couple weeks ago I had one the best orgasms, ever. Like literally.
It was one of the best dates that I’ve had in a while, if I am being honest. It’s just been so long for me, you know, being so busy with my subsequent years of education (eight years in college); earning my degree(s) in both Communications and Public Relations, plus a Masters in Communications; spending countless hours at the office for minimal pay, fetching coffee for my boss and doing errands for him, and even his wife sometimes. At the end of it all though, it beats being a wife and having to be a slave to a man!
I had been in a sort of ‘funk’ lately, with credit card and student loan debt piling up. I was getting down on myself. My sex life had taken a tumble as well. I guess guys are just too intimidated by a strong and powerful woman these days!
Anyway, it had been a long week. So I decided to get together with some of my girlfriends for some rounds of Sangria at one of our favorite bars called The Wild Rose. We got to talk’n about sex, as usual, and I basically spilled the beans about the slump I was in. My friends, being able to relate as they are all around my age, sought to set me up and put an end to my sexual frustration. One of my friends, Corrine, told me of a great site to use in order to find ‘the one’. She said she had used it before and had found 'great success' in her endeavors. So, I took her word for it and went home to do my research.
Pouring myself a class of Pinot, I sat down at my computer and began searching on the site that Corrine told me about. I spent hours sifting and scrolling with my mouse; going through at least a bottle of White by the end of it all. Finally, I had found the perfect match for me. Oh my God, I couldn’t wait for date night! I was so excited…I was so giddy and even little bit horny too just thinking about it.
My imagination was running wild. Running on overdrive about all the 'if's' and the 'maybe's'.
Maybe we would be truly compatible in real life, not just in the bedroom…or if I could see myself being committed in the long-run. The worse part, though, was being notified I had to wait until the end of the week for the magic to happen.
Which I get it, life is busy; logistics. The fact that my new hope for love was coming from out of town made me realize how special this was going to be. A total stranger coming to my door; delivering the 'goods' to me. All it said on the profile description was: Big, gives great massages and will satisfy all your womanly desires.
I was like, “You had me at ‘satisfy’”. I giggled to myself. I am not use to waiting a long time to get my brains fucked out of me….so you could only imagine how long the week went by. I remember thinking about my youth, my Twenties and realizing that back then a day didn’t go by where I wasn’t getting absolutely railed by a different guy every week. Sometimes a couple of guys every other day, when I was in college.
Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t so smart and like amazingly fierce and brave for being an independent woman behind patriarchal lines. Maybe guys wouldn’t be such pussies if I worked as a cashier at Walmart or something, and would get the balls to text me or 'like' my Instagram pics of me on Myrtle Beach; sipping a cocktail and reading Virginia Wolf.
If only guys just knew how horny I was; I would fuck just pretty much anything at this point; old, young…with money..or without! Although, If you have money that’s more appreciated. Like….if you have money... I will most likely go down on you, pronto.
Anyway, the week had gone by—so slowly—until I heard a large truck pull up to my driveway.
In anticipation of this, as I already knew via the email I received, I had been in my bathroom all afternoon; prepping, drinking cans of Palm Bay, and dolling myself up for what I was hoping to be a magical night of adventure and hot sex. I remember having to change my panties at least twice that day, as I had kept getting stupidly wet throughout the morning and afternoon due to my imagination running wild with salacious thoughts.
When the doorbell rang, I quickly ran downstairs—I almost tripped over my three cats that were sleeping on the steps and around the foyer; their piss was also on the hardwood floor. When I opened the front door, a large Black man appeared in dark brown dungarees— I had nearly orgasmed, right then and there, in my fresh pair of panties.
His name (on his shirt) said ‘Delong’ and he was holding a large cardboard box for me that read, ‘Amazon Prime’ on the sides.
My pussy at the sight of this large package; a quivering mess.
“Delivery for a, Brittany James?” He said with a big smile.
“Yasss…that’s me!” I said in a high-pitched squeal as I grabbed the package out of his hands.
I then quickly slammed the door in his face.
At this point I was so awkward; I didn’t know what to do! I mean, this was my first experience like this. I was like, “What do I do now?”
Would it be tacky and lame if I suggested to myself that I would have dinner first, then put on a rom-com after and enjoy the night; ease into it and take things slow? Or do I just take it up to my room, slam the door shut and fuck myself silly like teen all over again?
These were my thoughts as all three of my cats starred at me, meowing because I hadn’t fed them all day.
I told myself, “Well, you didn’t get all dressed and drunk for nothing!”
So, after I fed all three of my cats some Whiskers knock-off brand, I prepared myself a meal: A frozen pizza by Delissio. The pizza paired well with the 2 glasses of Franzia that I had poured myself. I turned on the song ‘Magic’ by Pilot on my itunes to set the mood. As I ate, I starred at the Amazon package that I had waited a whole week for, as one of my cats took a wet shit beside me in the litter box.
I wanted to propose some self-control and not be a total slut. So, after dinner I relaxed on the couch—with all my clothes on for once—and scrolled through Netflix to find the perfect movie for this special night. As I watched Sex & The City (The Movie), I could feel the tingles start to become overwhelming and my thoughts drifting towards the mystery beside me, my ‘date’ for tonight—and if things went well, my date forever!
I felt young again and I started to remember all my past Netflix & Chill sessions with all of my other ex's; in where halfway through the movie I would just get so hysterically horny and we’d get down to the hot sex, no pants dance. I kept looking over at my Amazon package, as if it were one of my long lost fuckboys, and felt my crotch to see if the temperature was right for the fun to begin. I ran my hand, softly, over my Fabletics yoga pants—Kate Hudson's brand.
Just as I suspected—I was stupidly fucking horny and needed it bad.
I quickly grabbed the Amazon package, while spilling the wine on the coffee table and ran upstairs with it to my bedroom. Things just started to happen out of nowhere. I even sorta started talking to the package at one point, mumbling things to it like, "This isn't like me.." and , "I've never done this before". I quickly and instinctively dimmed the lights; lit some candles, to which faintly illuminated my wall that had pictures from my college years and my Masters degree hanging above.
It all seemed to happen so fast once I had shut my door to keep the cats away from what was about to happen: Ripping off the tape, sifting through the bubble wrap; tossing the instruction manual onto the floor. I starred at it—my new Hitachi Magic Wand—for a whole 3 seconds before ripping off my own clothes.
Laying on the bed, on my back, the magic didn’t take long to happen. With it being the 'deluxe edition' it had so much personality—10 different speeds and up to 5 pulse variations. It had all the power and strength in a vibrator a girl could ever dream of.
The orgasm was something out of this world; good thing it was a laundry night.
All I can say is that it felt like my pussy was a piece of fruit; being juiced at some kid’s lemonade stand for a quarter a pop!
After the 5 minute ordeal, I was exhausted and dehydrated. More importantly, I was satisfied and in love with my new toy. It’s a keeper, that’s for sure!
It even fits so nicely in my nightstand! Better than a boyfriend who snores! And, like after most of these moments, I just had to call Corrine and let her know how the night went.
She was all like, “I told you that website was amazing!” Corrine even told me that a lot of other girls are curious about the Magic Wand and that ‘sharing is caring’. I told her that it’s all mine and she needs to get her own fucktoy. To which she replied, “Hun, don’t worry I had experiences with your toy before and glad you like it!”
Also, she was all like, "By the way, was your UPS guy Black?" And I was all like, "Shut-up! Yours too!?" So crazy how are experiences were like so similar.
I have such good friends. It’s just like the old days when we were in college. We use to share each other’s ex-boyfriends all the time!
C-Suite is a men's magazine founded by Frank Cervi. It combines urban/office life-style articles with soft-core pornographic pictorials. In recent years, C-Suite introduced the 'letters' column in which readers send in borderline ridiculous sexcapades, resulting often in explicit and unnecessary detail.
Follow on Instagram
If You Thought That Story Was Stupidly Hilarious, You'll Definitely Love The Bro Next Door