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C|SUITE LETTERS: Moved To Florida, Stuck My Dick In Crazy

Moved To Florida, Stuck My Dick In Crazy

Dear C|Suite,

About a year ago, I was living a relatively content life free of the dramatics; however, I was ready for something new.

I spent most my life in the northeastern United States and honestly I hated the fucking place. That whole East coast is like a dry, pathetic cut of steak.

I was just ready for a medium-rare amount of change. I began looking for work in some cities that I had traveled to and enjoyed.

Fast-forward 8 months and I’m touching down in Florida for good: Beer, bikinis, drugs, limitless lululemon, as far as the eye can see. What’s not to like?

So about 2 months go by and I found some places I really enjoyed in my corner of the city. One hip bar close to the pier in particular, had a special place in my heart.

It's about as unique as any Floridian bar really can be. Great rotation of beers, diverse people, a mixture of casual and fancy, but best of all, the sexual tension is very low. I know what you are thinking: Wrong place to discuss low sexual tension.

But honestly, sometimes I just want to drink in peace. Stare into the abyss that is my life choices. Maybe some light flirting with the bartenders perhaps, a nice conversation with a friendly fellow patron. A place you can go to with no sexpectations. Not like a lot of these dumb places. You know the ones.

So I frequent this place a lot. I probably spend too much of my money there. It's my life, I don’t fucking care.

I’m there on a weeknight, my favorite weeknight, because the bartender who usually works is wildly sexy. Just bananas attractive. She’s super casual: Wears her hair up, yoga pants, and tied-up tank top behind the bar. She has a very slim, tight body. She’s genuinely kind and super flirty at the same time. She’s fucking great at her job. Big fan.

So I get to chatting there with her, while I drank some stupid beer that your friend’s roommate won’t shut-the-fuck up about. Seriously, Byron, we get it. There’s like, a ton of hops in it. Eat a dick.

Anyways, I digress.

I’m sitting there having a very nice, quiet night. There was an open stool next to me, and I saw another dude doing the same. Then this thot rolls up, and sits between us.

Immediately, she got my sexual spider-sense tingling; I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where’d you’d do anything to bend that snatch over the counter, rip a hole in her pants, and slam her salmon like a sex-starved sailor.

I got all kinds of bells ringing in my head. I heard the tone in her voice and just knew she was trying to catch that dick. Which one though? Any of them. Will it be mine? You bet your goddamn life it will be.

At this point I had to take a whiz, so I went to the Men’s room to drain the dragon, give him a pep talk; smacked him around a bit to wake it the fuck-up, let him know he’s nuttn’ tonight.

Back to the bar, and I feel like popping my palm tree right there to give her some of my thick coconut milk.

Now I hadn’t actually gotten a good look at her yet. I was doing some close quarter’s recon: Listening to her chat-up that stooge on her other side. They were talking about home towns, places they had visited, whether or not Christian girls doing anal with their boyfriends count as sex before marriage.

You know, normal stuff.

They were both way too into Nashville. I’ve been there, I just don’t get it. Go to Vegas if you want that sort of thing, fuck, even Reno is better. The only thing I ever got out of that city was a scorching case of herpes. My view is tilted, I know.

I was ready to bail and let that stooge shoot his shot. But as my favorite bartender asked if I wanted another beer, home-girl grabs my forearm and said she would buy my round if I stayed. Alright girl, I thought. We hadn’t said a word to each other before that, I had only seen her out of my peripheral, but I knew she was about it.

So, I oblige. The beer was not that good, but she was. Immediately, she turned her body toward me. It was like the other dude got Thanos’d, straight out of the fucking galaxy. Which, I honestly felt bad about.

I’m not one of those assholes who think things like “alphas” aren’t real. Read a goddamn book, Byron.

Now, I’m all in on engaging in the activities of the breeding pair with home-girl. But this chick was nuts. Seriously, you have no idea yet. The hot ones usually are.

Instantaneously, I get her life's story; it’s not exciting but it’s somehow tragic. Then we move right into how pissed-off she was at her long-distance bf, who was in town, but bailed on her that night. She told me, “This was the last straw. I am waking up single tomorrow.”

Bet. I’ll take that action.

She also couldn’t help but slip some serious insecurity in the conversation. She kept on repeating her age (she’s 32, I’m 25), like it’s a big deal.

She honestly had nothing to be insecure about. Her face was really, really cute. Any guy would want to cum on it, for reals.

She looked her age, but in the best way. Her eyes were pretty as a motherfucker. I was trying to get those red lips on mine, and all over various parts of my body. Picturing a nice ring of red at the base of my shaft. And her body, good lawd.

Now that I had fully looked at her, I could tell she took real good care of herself. I don’t remember all of what she was wearing, but her top was tucked into the tightest fucking jeans of life, holy shit. You poor girls, the shit you do to us. Like, I could barely get my hand down them. But never fear. I did.

We finished a couple drinks, talked some more shit, she’s dropping hints about having a fun night. Eventually, we circled to talking about pool, how good she thinks she is. I avoided the wealth of terrible sex/pool puns. You know, balls in holes, good with the stick, that lame hilarious shit.

Then, she tells me of a place down the street with a couple tables; a small bar & grill. We closed out and took a walk. The view was honestly something else. As I said, she takes care of herself. Oh yeah, and there is nothing like the Gulf coast of Florida on a balmy night.

I love all the different shapes of women, except the fatties: Short, tall, tight, squishy. God, I just fucking love women. And this female body in front of me was made for fucking. Like, if you saw this chick you’d know what I am talking about. I'm saying, all you would want to do with her, all day long, is keep your dick inside her: An endless, wet, warm hug.

She was probably 5’7” in her cute little booties. Her blue jeans were painted on her long, long legs. Her ass was small, high, and tight. Like a fucking boot camp hair cut. Her arms were pretty long too, with soft muscle definitions flowing down them. She swung her hips like she was about to drop an egg in front of me. I gladly walked a pace or two behind to throw out my neck.

We stepped into the joint with the pool tables and wasted no time. We each did a shot and rack ‘em up. Loser was buying the next shots. We only got through half a game, because I couldn’t take my fucking hands off her, but we each did two more shots.

Sex in public should be legal. Just for tasteful quickies. You know the kind, where you just slide her panties to either the west or east side of her mound, that sorta thing. A flip & fuck, skirt up and away you go.


At one point, and I hope that God never strikes this from my memory, she made one assertive fucking mating call. I was lining up a shot and she strutted around to the opposite side of the table, bent down in front of the pocket, faced me. Like hands on the table, sticks her ass out and arches harder than I’ve ever seen. Her back was a Fibonacci spiral of beyond perfect proportions.

She went for one of those dreadful aforementioned jokes, but sans comedic delivery. Without an ounce of smile, she says “You better fucking put it in.”

I have no idea if I made that shot or not. I just knew that something did shot, and it was in my pants. I think two drops of cum came out, at least. Lord have mercy on me, but you tempt us with your creations.

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Next thing I know, we are in the back of an Uber headed to her place. Now, remember how I said that I wasn’t sure if I could get my hand down those pants of hers? This is that part.

As soon as we're in the car, she slid over to me. She had one hand playing with the back my hair, and the other across my lap, high on the thigh. She started talking in my ear, in a raspy whisper. I could see the driver looking back at us, over and over in the rearview mirror. He looked stoked. I don’t fucking blame him.

The more she talks, the more she lets her lips brush my ear. God, forgive my rapist wit and thoughts.

It’s in those little intimate touches with another woman that you are fully aware of the endless shapes on your body. The way her upper lip barely pushed against my cartilage; the way her lower lip dragged down my ear lobe. Fuck. I was so hard I could’ve impaled our driver through the seat.

My hand was around her back, resting on her hip. I was slowly brushing back and forth from her back to her hip. I swear my hand spanned her entire torso. This body of hers was so hard and small, so warm and soft. The motion of my hand was then un-tucking her top. A happy little accident. As her top rode up, I turned my hand to graze my knuckles across the small of her back. I felt its little dimples to either side of her spine. I had made a mental note to sink my thumbs into them when I would eventually get inside her.

My fingers found her waistband. I pushed it back. I slid a couple fingertips below, felt the smallest part of her back. I bushed my hand back up to her spine and dragged my palm back to her hip.

This time, there was no accident about it, I un-tucked her top a bit more and traced the inside of her waistband back towards her ass. All along the way, I felt the lacey edge of, what I later found to be, a tiny white thong. Life is full of these little, tiny, razor thin surprises.

Then she does it. She fucking kills me right there. She was still whispering in my ear at this point during our ride, grazing it wither her lips. She was going on about how lucky she was to run into me. How lucky I was gonna get. I could’ve filled a small spoon with pre-cum, seriously.

Then, like a goddamn viper, this chick flicked out her tongue into my ear, said “You can keep them.” and then bit my ear lobe harder than I would have expected.

I died; left my body, had a spiritual orgasm thinking about what I was going to do to this girl, and re-entered my body with the fortitude of a Greek God trying to, once again, fuck up humanity by sleeping with a woman.

Also, adding to my thong collection got me super stoked. I have so many for so many women over the years that I could open up a shop. Better yet, I should just pretend to be a woman online and sell each pair as “Used” for $1,000 USD a pop.

We got back to her place. We were in the elevator and neither of us was wearing a shirt—In Florida, chicks always have a bikini on, underneath everything. Just kidding.

I can't pry her off me long enough to walk out, but we do. She was scrambling with her top in one hand, key in the other to unlock the door. I grabbed her waist, pressed against her body. This was the first time either of us had felt my dick against her— It was threatening to tear through my jeans, pressing against her ass. We both paused at the teasing relief.

She sighed hard and moaned out a soft, “fuccccckkkkk.” She eventually figured out how to unlock her own fucking door and then ran to her room. I was right behind her as usual, thinking about how much cum it was going to take to paint that ass like a starter home.

I slammed the bedroom door and stopped. There was a full-length mirror on the back of it; it fell to the floor and shattered.

There I was, the beautiful 6’4” God that I am, with my shirt on the floor in front of me, my hands unclasping my belt. My eyes locked with her steely blues. Her wavy brown hair was already disheveled. Her small tanned tits were beautifully exposed as she unsnapped the front of her bra. I swear they actually sat higher without the bra on.

They were gravity-defying, citrus shaped twins that I needed in and all around my mouth. So fucking juicy, I love Florida oranges straight off the fucking tree.

I’m completely frozen at this point, pointing my meat cannon toward her direction, and she’s shimmying out of those painted-on pants as slow as she can. What a fucking, tease I thought. But then again, those pants were fucking tight and I can understand why she was being so retarded.

She had the biggest grin, and bit her lip. She finally got them off. And then it was just that little lacey thong between the world and her vagina. That last piece of defense from total annihilation.

She walked up to me, careful not to step in the shards of broken glass from the mirror I had just broke, standing right in front me, as she thumbed down her panties. She stepped out of them, wadded them up, and shoved them in my fucking mouth, making sure to brush my dick before that. Then she finished unbuttoning my jeans. She pulled down my boxers and my dick snapped-to like one of those fucking switchblade car keys. Ya know, like the VW ones from the early 2000s?

She looks at the broken mirror on the floor, and back up to my eyes. She grabbed my VW snapper of a pecker and said, “Fuck it’s biggggggg.” She lies right to my face. And I don’t give a fuck.

Then she gives all 7.012 inches of it a tight little squeeze. She takes me by the hand, back to her bed.

Ok, my fucking turn. I pushed her onto the bed. Honestly, I did this a little harder then I meant to. Like #MeToo hard.

She fell to her back and pushed up on her elbows. Her tits were just sitting there, bouncing in the perpetual motion that these goddess tits must always be in. The way her flat little tummy flowed into her waist and waterfalling into her pussy. Dear god. I wanted to build a vacation house on that golden stretch of beachfront property, and fight over it with my future wife in divorce court.

She said, in a sexy and condescending way, “Oh, really?”

But I was gone. I was in another fucking galaxy, with another fucking body. I didn’t even know who I was at this point.

I told her, “Shut the fuck up and close your eyes.”

She did exactly what I said. She laid her head back, and before I even got my mouth on her, she was grabbing her tits. She pinched her own diamond-cutter nipples and pushed the two mounds of flesh together. I dove in. I wrapped both my arms around her itty bitty frame and began devouring her tits like a fat kid needed more marshmallows. I bit them, I licked them, I sucked them. Boy did I want to titty-fuck’em.

She was still playing with them too and at some point, my tongue ran across one of her fingers. She liked it. She shoved a finger in my mouth, I sucked on it.

She led me by it up to her mouth and I got her lips on mine. It was the hottest, wettest kissing I’d ever felt. I have no idea where her tongue started or ended, but I felt every inch of it inside my mouth. I could taste all 5 beers she had that night.

I started working my way back down her chin; I kissed her throat and bit it.

— Not like in a murder-ery, serial killer way, but ya know, kinda. —

She gasped and squeezed my shoulder, digging her nails in. I took the tip of my tongue and dragged it down her neck, down her sternum, and onto her tummy. She mirrored the motion with her fingertips down my spine. She grabbed my ass, which was honestly fantastic. Easily my best feature. And she slapped it hard.

I kissed her right above the navel: A sweet, soft, romantic kiss. A couple more of those would get her dripping fluid like an old Ford. I dragged my tongue back across it, and inserted it; made-out with her belly button. It was so weird. But she was so fucking into it. She grabbed my hair and bucked her hips into me. She was practically humping my chest. I got the memo from her pussy that it needed action, pronto.

With both hands I pushed her tiny hips into the bed, holding them down. Then I grabbed her wrist and told her “Stop moving.” she stopped instantly. She met my eyes and said, “yes daddy.”

Now honestly, this isn’t normally my thing [Shout out to Kaitlin], but I knew from the get-go what I was planning to put my penis into. So I went with it. This chick had the DD issues.

I kneeled down at the edge of the bed and took hold of her thighs. Fuck, those thighs. So long and shapely, so tight and soft. Good god. I got my face between them and just fucking devoured her vagina like I was on death row and it was the last meal.

Yes, normally I would take my time, and start slow. But we were so beyond that and she practically had a puddle between her legs.

I start going crazy on her clit, just teasing it has hard as I could with my tongue. I had no idea if I was doing any part of it well at this point, but she was convincingly convulsing. Her frame was just so fucking small, I don’t know why it was so hot. But I was able to put my mouth over her entire pussy. I sunk my tongue in as deep as it would go; I got rehydrated like it was a fucking Gatorade commercial.

She was getting loud as hell by now, which I for one am a very big fan of. She was shouting, “Oh fuck! Oh FUCK!” and then dirtier stuff was peppered in.

This chick became possessed; I could have fucked her with a crucifix and she still would've took the Lord's name in vain.

“Shove your tongue in my cunt. Oh shit! fuck me with your tongue.” Stuff like that. It was awesome. Amen.

So I went until my jaw was good and tuckered out, it felt like I was punched out by Tyson back in the late 90's; fuck, she was wanting to bite my ear off at this point.

I didn’t know if she came yet because honestly, her regular being-fucked behavior was crazier than the other female orgasms I’ve had the pleasure of being present for. But she put a quick end to this portion of our celebration of life.

She said, “If you put that big fucking cock in me, I’m gonna lose my shit.”

Fucking liar.

So I did.

But I made another move. I stood up and with one motion shoved her up further on the bed, rolled her over. I mean, she helped, she got what I was doing.

So being the incredible little fucker that she was, she slowly tilted her head back looking toward the ceiling, and tilted her ass as high as she could so that her hip bones were still planted firmly on the bed.

There was that Fibonacci spiral again. And there were those fucking dimples.

I straddled her long legs, and just paused to admire the beauty of home-girl’s backside. This was the most perfect little ass I’d ever seen. This was the tightest little body I’d ever seen. I was gonna fuck it so hard and smash everything to bits.

So just like I had saw in my mind’s eye, I wrapped my fingers around her waist. I smashed my thumbs into those back dimples, lined the head of my dick up with that shimmering pussy. That thing was so cooked, it looked like a fucking Krispsy Kreme.

With one direct, hard, confident stroke, I bottomed out inside her — not like that’s terribly difficult for me — My big balls were right up against her lips. My dick was in another fucking dimension, teleported there by Aphrodite herself.

She just kind of opened her lips at this point; this primal, visceral, pre- Homo sapien noise escaped her mouth.

It was a low grunting moan, like someone had just smashed a cursed urn, and a weary spirit departed from the earth.

She somehow arched harder. I knew I was like 30 seconds from the edge here, about to shoot all sorts of cum into that endless black solar system she called her vagina.

I then had let go of one of her back dimples, which had put an inconsiderate amount of pressure on the other, and wrapped my fingers around her throat. Gave her two more steady, deliberate strokes and then had to stop.

I told her, “I need you to fucking cum right now.”

I had meant to maintain the commanding, heavy tone I had been using, but what came out was a raw and honest plea. From a genuine place of wanting to experience sheer ecstasy at the same time as this woman.

It was so fucking intimate and vulnerable. She got it. She started to answer and I felt the passion in her voice through my fingers that were still tightly wrapped around her throat. We both could’ve died. More so she, my grip was as hard as my cock.

I then let go and she said “Yes. Please.”

And similarly, she meant it. She was asking me to feel this with her. To cum with her and escape everything we’d ever felt before. My hand still clasping her hip loosened and slid gently around her side in order to put soft pressure on her stomach.

My hand, that had passionately choked her out of love, reached down, wrapping around her breasts, holding onto her upper arm. I then pressed my body down on her back and with her beneath me, thrusted as hard and as deep as I had ever had. She matched my motion instinctively. She pushed her ass back into me and pressed her head into my shoulder. She turned her head and as our lips met, we both absolutely plummeted over the edge. I stared into her soul, there was nothing there. There was nothing there, because I had just fucked everything out of her.

Now I was sure she had cum. Her pussy gripped my cock so goddamn hard. Her vagina flooded, running over the edge of her lips. The head of my dick pushed into her warm flesh. I felt beads of cum roll up the base of my penis, pushing out the head in that unmistakable sensation. We just laid there. Rolling to the side, I continued to thrust with very small motions, while she softly moaned into my ear. And we passed out naked on top of her sheets. It was a crime scene from CSI; there was cum everywhere. Somebody call Horatio Caine, we have floaters.

I woke up about after an hour or so after the fact. I was all kinds of a mess. But we had repositioned so that her head was on my chest while I laid on my back. Her naked beautiful legs were straddling one of mine.

My dick was at full attention again. She must have felt me stirring. Half asleep she said “shhhhh” and grazed her finger over my lips. They tasted like sex. Then she reached down to gently stroke me. Not to make me cum, just to pacify me back to sleep. It worked. I passed back out and woke up in the morning. She woke me up by grinding into me while we spooned. She started kissing my shoulders and stroked me deliberately now. It worked.

We had some mediocre morning sex. She did give me a lovely blowjob. But honestly, the magic was gone. She came on my fingers and I shot a weak load across her ass. We took a shower together; shared a shower beer for good measure. We played with each other a bit with the water streaming down our bodies, but it’s never as fun as you want it to be. I got out, gave her a pretty damn good kiss, and headed on my way.

No numbers, no social media or anything. I think we knew the heat of the night before, mixed with the alcohol, was a special one-time thing.

We parted well, with some wonderful fucking memories.

Yours truly horny,

Crazy Florida Man


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