Tomi Lahren Hospitalized For A Shattered Hand Following Facebook Rant; Can't Give Handjobs Anymore





Nashville, TN— Political princess, Tomi Lahren, has been booked at the Saint Thomas Midtown hospital for a shattered hand following a recent video tirade on how she was “Cancelling men this summer”. Doctors have confirmed that she will no longer be able to jerk-off her conservative base for the foreseeable future.


According to reports, Lahren had invoked the passion of some late and famous tyrants throughout history, by banging her hand repeatedly on her desk to emphasis her points. The 14-minute long video rant on Facebook was apparently too much for Lahren’s hand to handle as she pounded that tiny little thing more times than she could probably count, on said hand.


“I hadn’t seen anything like this since the time Mussolini shattered his hand from doing the same thing back in 1939,” said Dr. Hans Schnitzler, who is one of the lead medical doctors at Saint Thomas Midtown.


Lahren’s tirade on how “men are all trash” came at a monumental time in her life: Tomi had just turned 28-years old; she is old and used up. Lahren, after fully realizing that she was now past her prime, got on Facebook last week to lament how "all men are trash"—Lahren and her friends were ineffectively about to “cancel men” for the summer.


News of Lahren’s shattered right hand (her dominant) has brought into question by many of her fans, whether or not she will ever be able to give proper handjobs again.


“Ms. Lahren has suffered a great deal, not just to her feminine psyche, but really to her future sources of income considering now that she is out of the limelight with regards to her fading looks,” said Dr. Schnitzler.


Tomi Lahren declined to comment on the current state of her dominant hand, but did tell us that she, “still plans on giving more authoritative speeches on how men should behave and cater to all of women’s delusions of grandeur”.


Many beta orbiters and simps on Lahren’s Instagram were of course shocked by the news.


“It just sucks,” one said. “How will all the guys she is dating get handjobs from her now?!”


Tomi Lahren’s future has been put on hold; the future state of her dominant hand is now up in the air. Many are still wondering if she will ever be able to prostitute herself like once before.


“Yes, her hand has to be kept raised at a ‘saluting angle’, held still in a cast for several weeks,” Dr. Schnitzler had briefed the media, while starring aimlessly into the cameras. “We can say now that Ms. Lahren’s hand will never be the same and that future handjobs from her will be ill-advised, and out of the question by would-be suitors.”


Lahren’s entire fame and popularity rested on her beauty and ability to say the things that conservatives wanted to hear. Playing the blonde bimbo in order to get conservative men to pay attention to Fox News in order to sell ads to them, Tomi had it all going on.


Until she pulled the classic ‘bait and switch’ female tactic, Lahren’s future seemed bright with promise—with Tomi Lahren’s recent trauma to one of her most valuable assets (her jerk-off hand), that very same future is in doubt.


When asked if Ms. Lahren would ever be the same again, Dr. Schnitzler had this to tell the media:


“You will still be able to cum in her hair, in her mouth, on her face, tits, ass, and shoot your load inside of her pussy; I am afraid her abilities to jerk men off will have to cease if she doesn’t want irreversible damage to that hand. Frankly, if Ms. Lahren ever wants to masturbate herself with her dominant hand ever again, she should think twice about how she uses it in the future.”


Shortly after Dr. Schnitzler was seen scurrying away, trying to hide an erection, toward the lavatories.


Through the sifting of historical archives on military tyrants at one of Berlin’s war archives, it is alleged that Adolf Hitler also suffered from the same condition, which is known as ‘Pulpititis’. By constant and repeated pounding of the hand during a lecture, one can do severe damage to the hand’s structure when hateful passion is introduced.


With Lahren still having full use of her vagina, mouth and ass for men to shoot cum inside of, it seems that her darkest day is behind her. Just like the Black man who had reportedly ventured, by request, to her hospital room late last night to fuck Ms. Lahren from behind for over 30-minutes, none stop, until ejaculation.


“Yes, we do allow our patients to have ‘visitors’,” said Dr Schnitzler, who didn’t want to comment on whether or not Ms. Lahren’s was in a state of extreme horniness. “We know a lot of her fans [beta orbiters] are wondering if she’s horny and needs a 'friend' right now. But Ms. Lahren has informed our staff and security that the recent screams and moans heard emanating from her room last night were not of pain, but beautiful agony.”


When asked to comment on last night's alleged cumfest, Lahren told us, "I will recover in due time from my injury[hand]. My hand isn't the only think that hurts right now."


#satire #humor