ETOBICOKE, ON—The owner of a restaurant in Etobicoke, Ontario, is facing nine charges after he re-opened his restaurant to diners on Wednesday, a day after Toronto’s medical officer of health ordered it to close for defying provincial health restrictions. However, the fate of said owner had changed when literally Hitler appeared through the thick fog from a nearby wooded area, just after police had handcuffed the owner of Adamson BBQ; the Führer spared no one on the side of tyranny.
As city commie enforcers stormed the grounds and began changing the locks on the now infamous Adamson BBQ restaurant, cheers were heard from the crowd of protesters when they saw a hero emerge from the mist and fog.
“It was about fucking time!” said 86-year old Etobicoke resident Gertrud Polanski, who had lived through the horrors of National Socialism when she was just a small girl back in Europe. “Did you see him, too? I haven’t been this wet since the Reagan years!”
Donning nothing but a fancy Hawaiian shirt, aviators and a cigar, it was reported that literally Hitler blitzkrieg'd his way on scene, carrying a rucksack full of ammo, a Flammenwerfer 35, a six-pack of Hefeweizen; man-handling a MG42 along with a slung-back MP40 and a Luger pistol as a “finisher”.
It was reported that the commie enforcers and government officials were caught-off guard by literally Hitler’s grand entrance, because they were too busy beating up the restaurant’s owner, and trying to figure out how to install simple locks on the business' doors.
Billy Templeton, a 14-year old on-looker, amateur ‘foodie reviewer’ and avid WWE fan was overjoyed at the sight. “Seriously, did you see literally Hitler’s entrance, the way he posed after emerging from the woods? You could just tell he was ready to slaughter all of these motherfucking-cock-sucking, government faggots!”
Once literally Hitler buttered-up the crowd of protesters with his devilish grin, he immediately began to work on boosting their morale, by strutting up to the commie officer who was arresting the business’ owner; he took out a Hitler Youth knife; proceeded to slit the throat of said tyrant. “This is for our kids future, this is for freedom!” literally Hitler reportedly shouted, before spilling first blood.
Adamson BBQ may have been closed for business; however, ‘stuck pig’ was clearly on the menu once literally Hitler had showed up to save the day.
The arresting commie officer was bloodier than Adamson steak that day. Literally Hitler wasn’t finished, though, he was about to add more to the menu; à la carte BBQ.
Literally Hitler moved swiftly through the crowd of commie cocksuckers with the liberal use of a few Stielhandgranates thrown into the heavily armored commie cruisers, reckless abandon for all lives of tyrants. With the aid from the bolstered protesters, literally Hitler allowed the angry mob of freedom lovers to overwhelm the wall of officers, and used the opportunity to sneak out of the brawl in order to seek higher ground for what was to come next.
“It was hauntingly, beautiful. This is akin to something I’ve only read about in my History seminars.” said 4th year U of T student Amanda Huginkus. “The sound of an MG42 ripping through body armor and bone, the sound of revolt, the screams of tyrants begging for mercy….don’t tell my boyfriend…but I want to fuck literally Hitler, right now. I am lit, and hornyAF.”
While the commie police were trying to restore order with the use of pepper spray, tasers and rubber bullets, literally Hitler had reportedly made his way around to the back of the establishment, and proceeded to climb a ladder to the top of Adamson BBQ’s roof.
With drone footage obtained from the commie police, it appeared that literally Hitler then placed a six-pack of beer on the ledge of the roof before proceeding to mount an MG42 on said ledge, bipod and all.
As back-up commie units approached the scene, literally Hitler began to hose the on-coming cruisers and SUV’s with the punishing belt speed of one of Germany’s greatest machine guns.
The sound was horrific, 7.92 x 57mm at a speed of 1,300 rounds per minute made Swiss cheese out of the police vehicles.
“It was like a slow Thursday for him, up there.” said a fellow protestor and recent admirer of literally Hitler, who wished to remain ‘anon’. “That dude is so cool. I mean, you’d have to have mad skill to multi-task taking sips from your beer, feeding the belt into the gun, making sure you are leading your targets at that range, all the while trying to enjoy the fine slaughter of these pieces-of-shit, faggots.”
Witnessing the absolute fury from above, the mob below quickly dispersed from their engagement with the commie enforcers, knowing full well that literally Hitler was about to steal the show; he didn’t need the mob anymore, and they knew it. It was BBQ time. Hitler knew it, the crowd sensed it. Something big was about to happen.
As the last rounds went out of the MG42's barrel, literally Hitler grabbed one of the cans of German beer. He shot-gunned the can of Hefeweizen and then slowly disappeared out of the line-of-sight of the officers. Moments later, literally Hitler reappeared, fully strapped with the Flammenwerfer 35.
The tyrants below were immediately suffocated by flame and greatness.
Death from above; a real barn burner of a beat down. “Dis is how you BBQ the Reich way, motha-fuckas!” literally Hitler reportedly shouted to the commie enforcers down below, as they all met a fiery fate. “You and da Jew, you are now one. Fuck you, establishment!"
“In all my years of BBQing, I haven’t seen anything as burnt as those commie enforcers.” said father of four, Jacob Dillinger, who had told reporters he'd been grilling for over 30-years, and is the "best griller" on his street according to all of his neighbors.
Everyone seemed to be impressed by the sheer display of machismo put on by literally Hitler. Even Prime Minister Justin Trudeau had taken notice and would later try to appeal to the former Father of Germany's inner Socialist with a call for unity, in person.
Before Trudeau’s motorcade would arrive on scene, literally Hitler came down from his 'eagles nest' and continued his rampage by combing the area of any survivors, and subsequently finishing them off with his Luger. Telling all said survivors of his initial attack to, “Suck mein schnitzel!” before shoving his Luger deep into their mouths and pulling the trigger, laughing hysterically.
“I’ve never seen such passion in an individual before; certainly I have never heard someone adamantly tell multiple people, victims nonetheless, to suck his penis before murdering them in cold blood. Simply fascinating to watch if you ask me.” said clinical Psychologist, Dr. Victor Setti.
Once Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s motorcade had arrived, an eerie calm and silence washed over the scene. Justin stepped out of his gas guzzling SUV, swarmed by his elite guard that consisted of his right-hand lesbian partner, Chystia Freeland, who was there for moral support.
Literally Hitler shot his last commie enforcer in the mouth before turning to stare Justin down, along with his commie goons.
The crowd went silent, waiting for one of them to say something. Burned bodies still a flame; the smell of roasted pig filled the air. Justin’s hair was coiffed, like a fag, blowing in the wind. Guns from Trudeau’s goons were pointed at literally Hitler, he didn’t care. All literally Hitler did was look awesome in his Hawaiian shirt while he lit a cigar; scoffed in the face of these fascists.
Suddenly, with all the might of Germany's greatness, literally Hitler swung his MP40 around as fast as it took to shot-gun that German wheat beer of his, cocked it, and went forth to defy the laws of physics, along with modern day neo-fascism.
On single-fire mode, literally Hitler, one-by-one, preceded to head-shot all of Trudeau’s armed guards. Bodies hit the floor, faster than at Auschwitz.
Justin’s look went from extreme fag, to extremely stunned, fag.
At that moment, it was just Trudeau and Freeland, standing there in the wind surrounded by bodies, enveloped by death. Both of them clutching the other’s girlish bodies as literally Hitler began a steady goosestep toward them, whilst throwing the empty MP40 clip to the ground, dropping the sub-machine gun as he approached the two commie lords.
“This hate, disrespect of the state, needs to end, sir” yelped Trudeau, faggishly. “We are all in this together!” he cried again, while sobbing like a bitch.
Literally Hitler then stopped feet away from the commie cowards. And whispered, “Nein, you need to suck mein schnitzel.” while looking at Freeland with a big grin.
Almost immediately, Chrystia Freeland was down in the dirt, on her knees, and had begun to un-zip literally Hitler’s tight retro jeans; feverishly sucked on the former Reich leader’s cock, while Trudeau watched in horror.
Gasps from the crowd ensued. Comments erupted, like how literally Hitler's cock was to.
"That's one of the most powerful, and moving blowjobs I have ever seen." said one. "Does anyone remember Red Shoe Diaries?"
"She really wants to live, you can tell she's going to swallow." another remarked.
"Is she fingering herself, too?" someone shouted.
"Wow, look at the way literally Hitler brushed her hair to the side in order to see her face, what a gentlemen!" cheered one more.
As soon as literally Hitler busted both nuts into Freeland’s grateful mouth, he just as quickly busted a cap from his Lugar into Trudeau’s, point blank. Pulled out his cock from Freeland’s yap, proceeded to squat over, and take a huge shit into the former Prime Minister’s mouth.
The crowd went wild. Freeland was spared.
“Go now, run. Run back to your commie friends. Tell zem-all vat you witnessed here today. Tell zem that you sucked on mein schnitzel, dat I creamed into your mouth. Tell zem you loved it, and zat you are a good little commie slut!” literally Hitler said to Freeland while still hunched over, wiping his shitty ass with Justin's gay scarf.
A hero was made, a country was saved.
Adamson BBQ is open, there is apparently a lot of burnt leftovers.