Shocking News: Menopause Is Indeed, A Real Thing!

Original Story at People

After Amy Schumer revealed she’s currently undergoing IVF on Instagram, Selena Gomez sent her a public message of support; scientists are currently baffled by this new illness affecting 10/10 women in their lifetime.

Ask yourself this one question: Looking at the thumbnail above, whose face would you rather shoot your baby-batter at?

The one that you choose, is most likely fertile. In any scenario.

In this case, you have chosen the hot chick on the left (Selena Gomez). Congratulations! If her face were her vagina and instead of a picture you actually fucked her, you'd be able to pass on your genes!

Now, if you chose the picture on the right, the fat land-whale who's eggs have collected more dust than your old desk from college over the last decade or so, then you sir are a failure.

Or, perhaps, you just want to jizz on Amy's face for shits and fits, to rub it in her face. To rub the greasy fact that she loved her gender politics more than figuring out what men find attractive in a woman. She will spend her remaining days now rubbing herself off, trying for a successful IVF round(s). Which at this point will be next to impossible given her age.

The good news is: Amy Schumer most likely has the money for the expensive IVF treatment(s); money she made from spewing feminism and pushing the gynocentric agenda, ironically.

Man, it's great to be a man.

It's great to not be this stupid.

It's great to be superior.

Schumer, 38, is struggling at the moment. Struggling to understand why at the old, haggy, dusty age of thirty-eight she now has to resort to making a baby the New Age way. The new wave of 'fertility' that I foresee being a huge money-maker business going forward:IVF.

With a fresh generation of feminists putting fatty foods, their politics, and their careers ahead of finding a husband during their fertile years, I'm desperately seeking publicly traded companies trading on the TSX,Small cap indexes, DOW Industrial Index to buy shares in.

Forget Bitcoin. Forget dope, man.

Invest in women.

Invest in the future of infertility!

Let Amy be a harsh lesson to the not so young, Selena Gomez. Who, currently, is on the cusp of feeling the grainy grooves of the Wall. Will Selena smash into it with a smile on her face or will she careen towards it like an out of control NASCAR driver at Daytona?

Will Selena begin to cash-in on those nice, tight, birth-giving hips? She is 27. Tick-tock, time to get some cock.

Let's be honest. There was no real hope for a woman like Amy Schumer. First of all, even if Amy tried to get preggers back in her prime fertility years, she still would've had issues.

Let me mansplain.

In order to get a man aroused and yearn to plunge his throbbing cock into your pump station, you need to not be Amy Schumer.

That was Amy's problem: She is, Amy Schumer . A woman so fat, loud, obnoxious (feminist) and disgusting, no self-respecting man would have the reflex to even begin to cum, let alone dare to shoot that wad into this mammal.

If you wanted to go jerk-off to whales you'd go to Sea World. At least you could wack-off in peace and not listen to its shitty stand-up routine consisting of vagina jokes and how fucking fat it is.

To get a man to impregnate you, your vagina needs to be, at the very least ladies, visible.

No man wants to bring a bag of flour to bed in hopes of using the contents to find the wet spot.

No man wants to feel like he is having sex with a sea creature; your pussy shouldn't smell like one, either.

No man cares if you, a woman, is famous; has a 'good job'; a degree in anything. A man can't have sex with your career, your degree and your stupid briefcase that you pretend is carrying important business documents when in fact is filled with candy bar wrappers and Starbucks coupons.

A master's degree in Lesbian Archery will do nothing for a man's penis to become hard.

Does a man ask for nudies of your master's degree when he hits you up on Instawhore?

Does a man then jerk-off to said nudies of your career title on LinkedIn?

Yes, on the left you have a relatively fertile woman: Selena Gomez.

Her days are numbered, though.

“I’m praying for you and chris.

I’m sorry!” the “Rare” singer, 27, wrote in Schumer’s comments section.

If she[Selena] is smart, unlike Amy, in the next decade we won't have to hear her cry all over Instagram about how she is struggling to understand why she can't get pregnant.

Selena Gomez still has a body you'd want to rock; tits you'd want to suck on like a starving infant.

Amy Schumer, quite possibly a closet lesbian, has the body of your pub-going, butter-chicken eating creepy uncle who gave up on his marriage (because his wife got fat-as-fuck) long,long ago.

Selena Gomez still has time to find a high-valued man to throw her on the bed, cram her feet into the headboard and pile-drive her pussy as if it were a pothole that desperately needed pack'n by an overzealous, first-day on the job, municipal worker.

Amy Schumer, has just realized that menopause is a real thing.

Thank goodness we have Amy Schumer to now break the news and let all women out there know that menopause, this new and rare illness that affects 10/10 women in the world, is incurable.

Scientists are baffled and resorting to crazy conspiracies revolving around basic human biology and sexual dimorphism.

God, help us all!

#Humor #Culture #Satire