Tulsa Golden Hurricane Lauren Patterson Is The Sydney Sweeney Of NCAA Women's Volleyball, We Discuss Her Cootermaxxing Skills & Why Women Are The Real Perverts
Gentlemen, we started this season with a banger, featuring Chloe Brown from the University at Buffalo and her impeccable pussy print. She has now joined the other Greats and has been inducted into our very own Cootermaxxing Hall of Fame. Her print will be hung like a banner in an arena, a work of art that you would frame in your den, living room, or foyer. Hell, hang these prints in the Louvre! Now we have found another gem from the overlooked, not-so-well-known parts of the NCAA: Tulsa Golden Hurricanes.
Lauren Patterson of the Tulsa Golden Hurricanes has been spotted. She has gone for Greatness. She showed up in the last days of her NCAA career to reveal her talent and what she’s been working on for the last 4 years. All of Lauren's other portraits from previous seasons are mid to be fair, but all it takes is just one: The perfect pose, the hair, smile, the lighting, the right brand/style of shorts; the perfect cameltoe. She finally did it and produced one of the best I’ve seen so far this season!
Of course, Lauren has struck gold in her final (Senior) season as a NCAA female volleyball player. Waited until the last minute, like a typical woman.
It is not uncommon as I have witnessed in all my three years being the official adjudicator of hot NCAA female volleyball players. During my pre-season journey, as I hunt for the all-elusive cameltoe by digitally traversing the American college landscape, most of the women who cootermaxx tend to be in their junior or senior year. It is very rare that you’d find a freshman being brave enough with her beaver and going full-send right out of the gate.
This has a lot to do with intra-sexual competition and the reverse of the prison rule.
The prison rule suggests that if it’s your first day, what you want to do is immediately find the biggest, toughest motherfucker in the jail and beat his ass. In doing this, you establish dominance, gain respect, and it signals to the other males that you aren’t to be fucked with or willing to be a bottom ‘bitch’.
Now in Girlworld, the rule is the opposite.
Lauren Patterson played the game smart, like most of them seem to do. They don’t show up their freshman year during the first photoshoot and begin revealing the "goods"; show everyone what their pussy might look like.
First off, if you are a freshman, you’re inexperienced and you may produce a mid cameltoe; your pose might be subpar and off-putting, the lighting may be insufficient or you may have a photographer that is a woke faggot, unwilling to allow you to hike the shorts up or go commando, and ultimately approve the shot with you. Said moral-fagging photographer may even buff or airbrush your cameltoe completely out as I have seen. Your school may also have chosen an anti-cameltoe supplier for shorts. These brands include the old Nike volleyball shorts, and Under Armour. They are the worst, woke companies that don't worship the Seam Goddess. If your school chooses to use anti-cameltoe shorts, you should transfer immediately to a school that doesn't.
If you're a freshman, you need to get the lay of the land and know when the perfect window of opportunity is to strike. You need to know the industry, and which photographers are ‘game’ to allow you to basically do softcore pornography for the fans (mostly men).
Secondly, if you’re a NCAA female volleyball player you don’t want to come out swinging your first year, displaying your slick muff print unless you want to piss off the rest of your team (women); trying to muffmog them, especially if you know your sliz is going to look good when that fabric is tightly pressed up against it, or wedged between you labia majora, respectively.
You want to keep that secret weapon hidden until the right moment, more specifically, toward your final years and here is why: There is an unspoken hierarchy in women’s college volleyball when it comes to cootermaxxing.
If you are a freshman or sophomore, you haven’t earned the right. Coming out swinging and potentially muffmogging a senior could result in turmoil, tension (possibly sexual..a lot of lesbos play volleyball) and a breakdown of the social order and morale on the team; it would cause infighting.
It’s a social faux pas.
You have to remember, the senior girls are about to "retire" and they need to attract as many Chads in their DM’s so that they can still take trips to Cabo San Lucas, Belize and the Maldives even after they are done their volleyball careers. A lot of them are trying to get married and creampied after because they know that after this (glory days of NCAA), what else is there?
This is existential for them.
After they are done NCAA volleyball, most of them will lose their sponsorships and will not be able to promote Prime or Alani in their cute IG posts and jet-set to St. Martin every year.
Thirdly, the reason freshman are hesitant about producing a cameltoe and presenting it properly is simply due to being insecure, shy and unfamiliar about the power it holds in this industry, and in this sport.
Just look at the exposure I got Chloe Brown by featuring her on my blog and on X(Twitter). As of writing this, 34k people read that article and viewed her presentation. 34k people read my article, that's the equivalent of me going out to an arena and doing my stand-up routine.
The average NCAA arena only holds up to 6k seats and the average NHL arena holds maybe 21k. That's the great thing about the internet is that I don't have to travel to do this like in the analog days. I can literally just sit here and type in my boxers without a shirt on, drink whiskey, and smoke a cigar and be able to perform in front of many. I got Lauren and others an audience larger than what they perform in front of. Without men, women would be nowhere. You're welcome!
I transform industries and I make things great or better for everyone, men and women.
I come up with ideas of how to make make failing enterprises become successful.
I bring attention to patterns and trends.
Don Draper is a fictional character, however he is based on men like me. The deep thinkers, the pioneers, the creative, the critical, the ones who can see what others can't; we don't give a fuck.
A lot of times, I am that trend setter. I am a trailblazer and pioneer of a lot of the memes and trends you see today. I can foresee a lot of times what is coming down the shoot and get ahead of it. I encouraged female volleyball players years ago to cootermaxx, and now look, women everywhere not just in sports, are noticing how effective it is. They are doing it in their tradwife podcasts. And now we have international broadcasting agencies trying to put a stop to the "sexualization" of female athletes by reducing the amount of "zoomed in" camera shots and "suggestive angles".
The fact is, these women want to expose their talent, but at the same time are actively fighting a feminist campaign (intra-sexual competition) that's against hot women showing off how hot they are to their core audience (men).
Most freshman I see have modest Instagram's with very few bikini pics and or provocative images of themselves. Their bodies haven’t developed into their full potential (booty, thighs, midsection, pelvic region). It’s usually by sophomore/junior year when most come out of their shell and learn the ‘game’. That’s normally when the cameltoes start popping! It’s all about confidence combined with “When is it acceptable?” by their other teammates (girls).
It’s no wonder why women never invent anything, build empires, or have any hobbies. There is so much going on in their tiny squirrel-like brains that they have think about with regards to their pussy and how to use it to survive. Imagine being a woman and all you do is think about pussy all day long. How your pussy is feeling, how will you use your pussy to get what you want. How much abuse can my pussy take to get the life I want. should I use my pussy on this guy, will he put out and will it be worth it? Am I getting anything out of this relationship, or am I wasting my pussy credit on this. How much is my pussy worth and how long do I have before it fades like a fiat currency?
Pussy is meant to be passed around and exchanged between owners of the upper class of men.
We are aristocrats of the sliz. It’s very similar to great works of art, like paintings.
Lauren Patterson’s Pussy Print Is A Work of Art
If you understand anything about photography, art and about capturing the perfect moment, it's this: It all comes down to a window or a sweet spot. The Great One, Himself knows what I am talking about because he has done photography professionally before. This is the secret every artist, including myself understands, and it is why 99% of the population can’t do what we do, and never will.
You can’t teach this, it’s more of a natural instinct that artists have and are born with.
It is a God given trait or talent if you will. We are chosen ones, unlike the Jews.
This is what we do and were born to do. Just like how Lauren was meant to show her cooter print to everyone.
Writing is a bit different, but there is a sweet spot and headspace you need to be in to do it well. Some days I’ll write a lot and produce gold, other days I’ll read it back and it’s trash or needs to be reworked. Some weeks I won’t have any great ideas or ways to connect certain things about life, but then there is maybe one afternoon where I just get a stream of “ah ha” moments and I light the keyboard on fire and don’t stop until I get it all out of my system.
You essentially let it come to you and don't force it. It's the same with photography; let the shot come to you, and you will know when it's time to pull the trigger. Art is life and life is art. It translates to women, especially. Don't chase, let them come to you and then make sure you pull the trigger when the moment is there.
It’s pretty much like having sex; I won’t stop until I am finished with what I started and set out to accomplish with that initial thought; the thought that has now spiraled into something intense and hard hitting; chaotic beauty.
Now, with photography and more specifically when you are taking someone’s picture, or trying to capture something iconic or timeless, there is a sweet spot or what photographer’s describe as “The Window.”
The Window: It is the moment where all the stars align for you to take that perfect photo and it is only presented to you for maybe seconds, and then it’s gone. The Window shuts for good.
After The Window passes you’ll never get that shot, that moment, that “look”, that laugh or smile she is making, the way her body is, the tilt of her head, the slight bend in the hip, the fabric pulling a certain way, the lighting, shadows and other organic ingredients that appear all at once, ever again.
It's a photographer's regret if he misses that window or knows he did. It happens to a lot and the best of them, too. But that's life, you only get so many chances and so many perfect moments. They are rare but when they happen, they are iconic and timeless.
War journalists and photographers understand The Window and that most of the iconic and timeless shots ever taken were because they were there at the right time and had the patience to wait for The Window; for the moment the environment presented all the right ingredients for that perfect shot.
Maybe out of 30-40 shots you get something redeemable or good. However, most photographers know when they got “it”, that perfect shot before developing the photos later. It’s gut feeling, like being in the zone or in some weird tunnel of focus, then you see it (everything beautiful) and then you shoot it and its gone. But, you know in your soul you captured it and that moment that nobody else would’ve ever seen if you hadn’t been there, will soon come to life. A moment frozen in the time, and that instance will always be the same and never change. That's what beauty is, it is a state of something.
It’s like Lauren Patterson’s pussy [print] up above. It’s perfect, now.
However, years from now it won’t look like this or the same if taken again.
She’s young still and in her prime years, her early Twenties. Fast forward 3-5 years, she might get fatter, develop an cute GUNT or more of a FUPA, she’ll get older, less tight, and that pussy won’t be the same as it was in that photoshoot.
It’s a perfect pussy frozen in time. Lauren knew it too, you can see it on her face and in her smile. She knew she had it going on that day and that it was the day to try to produce one for the cameraman, and for all of mankind.
She had those Adidas shorts hiked up and “forgot” to wear panties that day.
The distance was perfect, the lighting decent and the lens was in focus and he took the shot. It was obviously a man who took the shot; it was perfect.
I bet the photographer knew too of what he’d captured in the wild. Like hunting down a rare species. If it were me taking that photo, all I would’ve said was “Lauren, that was..it, right there. I think we got what we came for…we can stop now, sweetheart. You're going to be a hit. You ready for that?”
You never want to ruin or push the capture beyond finished. It's like with a blowjob or handjob ladies, no need to keep jerking or sucking that thing off like your going to get any more out of there. The shot happened, its over. The moment is empty now. The window has passed. We did it.
It’s like with writing, you know when the piece is finished, as perfect as it will ever be, and you can stop now. There is no need to go further. It’s a gut feeling.
Adjudicating Lauren's Cameltoe Presentation
Lauren chose the full-frontal pose, which is difficult to pull off when trying to produce your best C-toe. If the fabric is not wedged or the seam has not dug its way yet between your labia, it will be difficult for your prospective viewer to notice from a dead-on angle.
In addition, if it were not for Lauren’s perfect thigh gap, the effect would’ve been even more diminished as the white space between the black fabric and her thighs allow contrast and for you to see the seam doing its magic: Absolutely ripping and laying a pipeline down the middle of her mound, hooking her gooch like an Atlantic fisherman, and allowing the left labia to droop like it just had a stroke making it lower than the right. To which had made her cameltoe more prominent and visible.
Taking the shot from a side pose is a lot easier because your eye is exposed to more of the topography of the mound and folds, so Lauren get’s extra credit for level of style and difficulty. The rule is, if you know you have a decent thigh gap, you can go for the full-frontal pose. If not, it’s better to go with a slight side pose with thighs tight and close together, while arching your midsection and back, ladies.
Lauren Patterson is in some way an artist herself, like I am.
This pussy print that she’s managed to produce looks like it took years in the making and it all came down to one day, one moment, one shot of the camera and two willing collaborators. Most female volleyball players only get one chance to get it right during their whole career. Some might get featured more than once if they managed to keep it up, but really there is usually one opportunity and one shot at this.
It has to be perfect. And with me, you usually only get one crack at it.
One shot at Greatness. I am a busy man with lots of rosters to go through every year and tons of women to filter out. Many have muffprints, but I have to even sort through those to find the best. This about Greatness and achieving a high standard for women, for women’s volleyball to be successful as a “sport”, and more importantly, for the art world and your living spaces at home.
What would your guest’s think about your taste and respect for your own living space?
When you frame and hang this[a pussy print] in your living space, you can point to it and tell you guests, “That there, gentlemen is a Patterson.”
One of a kind.
And any aristocrat of the hole worth his salt will instantly recognize that it is indeed, a Patterson.
Much like how you can recognize a woman from behind by the shape of her ass, and the way she walks. I remember bumping into an old college girlfriend that I hadn't seen in years, I was behind her at a farmer's market and hadn't seen her face yet, but I knew it was her from her ass. Still looked the same. I said, "Hey, Fiona, I see you haven't changed one bit." She turned around and looked surprised that I knew it was her. I use to squeeze that ass daily. I use to shoot my cum all over it after hitting her pussy from behind like I was dressing a salad. I did this for a full semester during third year, how could I not recognize her?
I digress...
Back to masculine home décor tips.
Lauren's pussy print is like a snowflake; it is unique to her. Every woman’s hole pretty much feels the same when you’re in them. However, the real beauty and uniqueness to a woman is yes between her legs, more specifically what you CAN see. Even a blind man could appreciate what’s on the outside of a woman, more so than what is on the inside: Darkness.
Most cameltoes look similar to the untrained, lower-class tourists of this industry. However, to the few, if you hung each and everyone of our Hall of Famers in a large room without any identifying credentials marking who said print was produced by, we would all know what a Dockery looks like.
What a Jurgensmeier looks like.
That's a Brown.
This here, gentlemen is a Waller.
I present you, a Leftridge.
You get the point. It's like telling someone you have a Picasso hanging in your bedroom.
Sure, you could have the finest whiskey on your bar cart in your living room, cigars and the like, however, nothing completes the space like hanging a 4000x4000 HD enhanced Jurgensmeier above your fireplace. Make sure the DPI is maxxed out so your guests don't have to even squint or get up close to see the fine details. The Germans know how to produce Greatness, I'll just say that. Kali Jurgensmeier is the G.O.A.T. If you hang her muffprint above your fireplace, well, you'll impress anyone who comes over. It's one of those pieces you just can't go wrong owning and displaying.
It's too bad Hitler lost the war, there could be billions of Jurgensmeiers walking around most of the world by now. Sometimes doing the "right thing" isn't necessarily the correct thing to do. That much is obvious now in hindsight.
Nothing shows good taste, and high competence in masculine décor like hanging one of the best cameltoes in all of NCAA women’s volleyball history over the main focal point in a living space.
It’s not only aesthetics we are talking about. Hanging such works of art in your living space is a great conversation starter!
When your party guests enter the room, I guarantee most of them will remark, maybe even gawk or leer at said fine pussy prints and say, “Wow, I didn’t know you were a gentlemen of such exquisite taste!” or “ I also have a DeBow hanging in my foyer, nice...”
This, gentlemen is how friendships are usually born.
This is about being a man of excellence. This is about being respected in your community. It is also about appreciating and respecting women and their hidden talents.
It’s about being non-judgmental about a woman’s nature and propensity toward perversion and being a pervert, herself.
Why Women Are The Real Perverts In Society
If you’ve been reading my blog or listening to me for past decade, you would have come to understand by now that women are the real perverts of society. Aside from an epidemic of them raping teen boys, women also read a lot of porn. I mean ALOT of porn. The erotic fiction genre is a multi-billion dollar a year industry.
You can also look no further than female volleyball players, too.
Women will of course blame men and chastise them for leering or starring at their perfect ass or camel toes, yet all the while, they are the ones who are choosing expose themselves. Could you imagine if a man practically got naked (wore skin-tight leggings/shorts) and walked to work every day? Forget about cities like San Francisco or just California all together, I am talking about a normal, heterosexual man dressing in skin tight clothing that isn't limping his wrist and yelling, "Hellloooo ladies, guess how much cum is in my asshole from last nighhhhtt!". A man doing that would be shot dead in the street. Women would get so mad and depressed they'd probably all whip out exercise bands from the trunk of their cars and start strangling toddlers in the street.
Women are exhibitionists by nature and they want you to look, but at the same time, pretending that you’re the one who is the pervert. It's gatekeeping mixed with some anti-slut defense.
Well, if women didn’t wear second skins (leggings, yoga shorts etc.) with no panties underneath, men wouldn’t notice anything. And that’s my point!
Men wouldn’t notice women. That’s why women do it.
Do you think Lauren Patterson, Chloe Brown and the other female volleyball players out there had cameltoes by accident during their photoshoots, or when they are on the court?
They have mirrors don't they? I assume this isn't volleyball for the blind.
Are you seriously going to believe women never look at themselves in the mirror before walking out the door, in the locker room and not notice that they forgot to put on panties underneath their volleyball shorts and are sporting a major fucking camel toe? Did they accidentally shave their pussy that morning so it would be as smooth as a billiard ball and stick right to the fabric of her shorts?
Are you also going to believe that none of the photos taken during the photoshoot go through a layered vetting process, approved/not approved by the player or talked over with the photographer in regards to which photos they prefer for marketing and for the team's site?
Trust me, these women know what they are doing.
The thing is, if you don’t notice women, they get really angry and depressed and then they start fucking teen boys and strangling toddlers with exercise bands. So that is why, it is our moral duty as men to notice when a woman is sporting a camel toe. Her self-esteem depends on it, guys. It’s why I know that Lauren Patterson is probably going to read this. I know for sure Chloe Brown read the article I did on her amazing presentation. Most likely, probably her whole team did as well and are currently taking notes from it in order to learn from a legend about how it’s done.
Most of these women search themselves on Google and the socials to see if anyone is noticing them. They sported some C-toe and are looking to see if any top tier, high status men noticed them. Well, I did. You’re welcome ladies!
I also know that they read my article mainly to see if I would consider having sex with them, or hope that somewhere in the article I’d talk dirty to them or describe how I’d fuck them. It turns them on.
Is Lauren Patterson A Great Volleyball Player? Yes She Is, I’d Have Sex With Her
So the answer is “Yes”, Lauren.
I would allow you to have sex with me.
I featured you, didn’t I?
I can tell Lauren is all sweet, delicate, a bit shy and nervous on the outside from the one interview of her that I watched on Instagram titled: Get To Know Lauren Patterson.
You’re bouncing and shaking your leg on the other during it, so I can tell you were nervous, or maybe horny? Hard to say. You’re studying marketing? Why? You’re already a pro at it with that cameltoe shot. No need to learn anything more. Go watch Mad Men if anything.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to be funny or hope to be.
That’s my job.
Women aren’t funny anyways because they can’t think in the abstract the way men can do; they don’t take risks with their “jokes”.
That’s fine though, we don’t want you to be funny or have to be. Just be your hot, gorgeous self and bring me my coffee in the morning, or make me a pastrami sandwich with pickles after your done riding me cowgirl and draining both my balls.
You’re hair looks better down by the way, but I understand for health and safety when on the court. Wiggling your ears is cute, but I think we all were looking for you to say “I can wiggle my butt muscles.”
Piano man by Billy Joel is actually a great song, yes a bit cliché for Karaoke, but I have sang it many times when I have been in Vegas and indulged myself at one of their many piano bars on the strip.
It’s okay you don’t like or drink coffee because its honestly bad for the environment, I wouldn't want you to get all depressed about killing trees and get the urge to strangle toddlers with exercise aids. A creampie will make you feel better.
Plus if you are over at my place I’d probably drink the whole carafe myself. I can be a bit of a selfish asshole if you hadn’t noticed by now. But I know that makes your pussy wet, so, win-win.
Wanting to go sky-diving tells me again that you need to feel alive, or something is missing in your life. You feel trapped and want to scream.
I'll make you scream.
With that in mind, aside from you being shy on camera and modest, I know deep down inside, Lauren, that there is a naughty girl waiting to come out. The thoughts you have in the shower or late at night when you’re petting yourself down there, it's okay. You're a woman. You're human. You can tell me them later.
How did I know this, you ask? I just know these things. I read people and can pick up on insecurities, how your childhood went, your fears, wants, desires and deep rooted, repressed urges. You don’t become a successful writer by not being able to read people.
Lauren Patterson Is The Sydney Sweeney Of Female Volleyball Players
I know Lauren that you want to be seen, noticed and desired sexually but I can gather you’ve been a bit shy about that aspect of yourself for some time and it’s now just coming out.
You’re very attractive and a beautiful young woman, however, looking back you may not have felt that about yourself during your teen years, didn’t receive a lot of male attention, or as much as some other girls your age. You were a late bloomer, that’s all.
And now you sorta look like Sydney Sweeney when your hair is down. You have the tits to back it up, too. And now, you've been featured on one of the most successful blogs on these parts of the internet. You've made it! I noticed!
Fine, I'll talk dirty to you...
So yeah, I would totally fold you like a 1990's lawn chair, with your knees pressed against your chest, feet high into the air, and absolutely dig your pussy into the mattress like we’re drilling to China. Creampie? Is that even a question at this point, babe? I’d probably put a baker’s dozen (white ropes) into your puff pastry by the time I am done.
Email me Lauren if you want more, or just send me tickets to one of your games and I'll fly out. Not a problem, I bought energy stocks 3 years ago before the Iran war so I am all good. Inflation doesn't bother men like me. We prepare for it.
In closing, it is actually really rude, toxic, and borderline misogynistic if men don’t notice or point out that Lauren Patterson and her other colleagues have a pussy print going on.
I am willing to bet that Lauren is extremely wet by now from reading the article and especially from me mansplaining how I would fuck her.
These women did all that work and presented it [their C-toe]. They made sure to shave that morning. If you look at Lauren’s C-toe, you can tell that thing is as smooth as a dolphin. No puff pastry. No Amazonian canopy of hair bulging up the appearance. Just good, clean, tight toe all the way!
It’s like how society figures its okay to arrest or blame “John’s” for soliciting hookers on the street, but in the same breath not charge or arrest the women who are consciously selling pussy.
If women weren't blatantly offering, walking up to your car and begging you to pay them for sex, you wouldn’t have “Johns” paying for sex! It’s like the whole saying of what came first, “The chicken or the egg?” Well, in this case the hooker came first, she walked out of a dim alley toward your car while you were minding your own business and begged you to notice and buy her pussy. Without the hooker advertising, there would be no interaction.
Same thing with female volleyball players. If these women would just wear panties under their shorts or wear less skin tight athletic wear, guys wouldn’t notice your camel toe because there wouldn’t be one.
Alas, the conundrum is, men wouldn’t watch women’s sports then. Men are the majority of their audience. So women have to be perverts in order to be successful. In fact, women love and relish in being big perverts because it turns them on, greatly.
They love showing off their beef curtains in those shorts and pretending like they don’t know, that you know they did it on purpose.
Describing women as “athletes” is kinda funny because if you can’t beat 14-year old boys at your sport, I wouldn’t consider you an athlete. If anyone wants to watch athletes or the best top tier performers on earth, it’s going to be men’s sports.
Could you imagine if man wore skin tight leggings or shorts while playing volleyball, or a thong bikini during beach volleyball?
Showing off the print of his cock, wrapped and coiled up in there like a Cinnabon. Exactly, the NCAA would have that man arrested and charged with sexual assault and for exposing himself. They may even have an armed police officer execute him on site with his service pistol!
People would think he’s a pervert. If a man walked down the street with skin tight shorts with his mushroom print, he’d be clubbed instantly by police and women would scream “Pervert!” in unison whilst secretly trying to rub their pussy overtop their leggings.
Yet, women do this everywhere, every day, showing off their pussy/cameltoe in their lulus and provocative athleisure wear. Women read paper porn/erotic novels in public, on trains and in coffee shops with people around while they bounce one leg over the other and squeeze their thighs together to try and cum without anyone noticing.
Nobody thinks anything of it[women being perverts] because of the fact that, men don’t need to do this in order to get attention, status or be successful. We just do things and perform at the highest level in everything.
It’s acceptable that women are perverts by society. They practically dress naked in public by wearing their “second skin” outfits because this is how women survive, get attention and stuff handed to them.
And you know what, there is no shame in any of it. Actually, we are here for it and encourage women and more specifically female volleyball players, to go for Greatness!
This is the way. We aren’t going to sit here with a massive hard-on and pretend that this isn't how you make women’s sports not only watchable, but great and truly successful.
This is how you get women’s sports into the black and profitable to investors, sponsors and to be self-sustaining in the long run. With out my blog, NCAA women’s volleyball would still be stuck with the numbers they had back before 2022.
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