• Frank Cervi

Basic Bitch Economics: Uggs, Yoga Pants & Coffee Keeps The Money Flowing


A basic bitch, first and foremost, is your typical Western, millennial ditz. She usually holds a degree in Communications, Marketing, or Nursing. Thinks leggings and yoga pants are “comfortable”—not because they provide the ability to be a walking advertisement for Chad and Daquan dick—and are acceptable for every possible occasion. The basic bitch usually travels with a pack of other like-minded, basic bitches; in where they all secretly compete with each other in the wonderful world of Average-ness.

Competing for Chad the quarterback and his thundercock, trying to acquire the best buck$$ for the bang.

How to Spot a Basic Bitch

An overly generic or basic female that follows the majority of trends relevant to her peer group during a specific era, without injecting any originality into her existence. She often lacks the confidence needed to express herself independent of consensus from her peers even though these characteristics may not reflect her true self. A basic bitch takes the safe road rarely taking risks in fashion or other areas of interest. She may or may not view herself as unique; this often depends on her individual role within her social circle.

A Basic Bitch in 2017 can often be spotted at brunch with her ‘gurls’ wearing Victoria Secret yoga pants tucked into UGG boots or jeans with TOM'S slip-ons with an over-sized sweater with an ironic print or design on it, topped with a Northface or CanadaGoose jacket. She stores her indispensable iphone in her oversize Coach bag along with her knockoff sunglasses and PRINCESS key-fob. She loves nail art as it totally compliments her Pandora bracelet and Tiffany Heart jewelry. She loves foursquare and Instagram and endlessly documents her every outing for Pumpkin Spice Cappuccino from Starbucks on her e-Card ridden Facebook. She loves quoting Marilyn Monroe even if the quotes are wrongly attributed, loves hearts, infinity symbols, dream-catchers, Owls, bacon and mustaches. She knows the words to every song on the Top 40 radio and would sacrifice her first born to spend one night with John Mayer and spread herself wide for him. She drinks SkinnyGirl cocktails or Cider.

Let us examine the many, fascinating traits of the model Western college-educated broad:

Boring. Conformist. Mundane. Simple. Predictable. Unsophisticated. Middling. Garden-variety. Trite. Common. Uniform. Typical.

The Personal Economy of the Basic Bitch

In today’s gynocentric jungle, the modern day basic bitch gets a lavish life front-loaded to her at around age eighteen. If our gurl does her due-diligence, has a tight ass and figure, she will garnish herself in yoga pants and other revealing clothes, in order to attract the resources from the Thirst. This money will thus feed the everlasting cycle of more yoga pants, her addictions to overpriced coffee among other things, in order to keep harvesting more resources.

Guys are constantly throwing seemingly endless resources at our go-gurl, by Daddy and all of the Thirst that is out there from our good o’l Bro’s and White knights. She has the endless dick buffet to choose from and the cock-carousel to ride for a good 10-15 years before the music stops. To boot, our gurl not only has this much attention and goodies thrown at her, for doing absolutely nothing aside from having a vagina and youth, she also has the government waiting in the wings; with seemingly endless goodies as well, in case she still manages to fuck up the good deal that she already has.

Let us now examine some actual testimonies from some basic bitches in an article via The Cut:

1.“I spend my money on $20 mac and cheese from a restaurant literally across the street from my apartment. Some days you just need what you need and that thing that you need is gourmet mac and cheese brought to your door from half a block away.” —Nik, 23

You're lazy and entitled.

2. “I have this really bad habit of thinking that because I am a ‘professional woman,’ I need all of this stuff to make me really BE that woman. Like, I will justify the constant purchase of expensive haircuts, manicures, leather laptop cases, blazers, and conservative heels with ‘this is basically a business expense.’ Except that I cannot write those expenses off, and now I have like ten more ‘work purses’ than I would ever need.” —Sarah, 28

Insecure. Being a trail-blazer and an Independent Woman™ doesn't mean following the herd. Women can't help themselves.

3. “Buying or ordering food that I have the ingredients to make at home. Like, I will buy a sandwich at lunch even though I could’ve brought one from home if I had just gotten up ten minutes earlier. I do that shit all the time.” —Jessica, 27

You're lazy like your other counterparts.

4. “First, I got into waxing for a while and maintaining that shit really adds up. I also have a ‘fancy lady’ complex where if I have an especially rough day, I buy myself really expensive cocktails. There’s a $16 drink at Fig. 19 with a rose petal floating on top that I buy every time I go through a breakup. I think it comes from some warped SATC-inspired view of adulthood (like I should be out drinking Cosmos with my girlfriends and saying things like ‘I may be single, but I’m FABULOUS’). But really, I should probably save the $16.” —Kara, 25

Buying shit you can't afford. Classic basic bitch. #FABULOUSLYPOOR.

5. “Trendy clothes. Cab fare. Bar tabs. And ordering in rather than cooking. Also: drugs, besides pot, because pot encourages not going out. Pot is a good investment.” —Erin, 31

You need pot to self-medicate...because your life sucks. Your life sucks because you have no money....from buying pot and being a bar whore. This is a hard one, guys.

6. “Beauty stuff. I have spent in the thousands this year alone on hair masks, nail treatments, facials, and teeth whitening. And I don’t actually think I look that much better.” —Simone, 29

You're probably right. But hey, just as long as it can help you attract someone 1 point higher than you. I guess bankruptcy is worth it then.

7. “I work in an office in Midtown and every day I will go to Au Bon Pain, Le Pain Quotidien, Chop’t, or Pret a Manger (now that I think of it, a lot of fake French places), and get a lunch that costs between 10 and 15 dollars. It never feels like a lot of money in the moment, but it’s like, hundreds of dollars a month, and it doesn’t taste much better than a sandwich or salad I could pack for myself. Just bringing my own coffee, using a refillable water bottle, and packing a Tupperware for lunch could save me thousands of dollars a year. Like, literally a round trip-to-Europe-level money.” —Andrea, 31

Sex & The City blueprint to a tee. Why would you want to escape that dump of a city anyway?

8. “When I moved to New York, I had this really fucking dumb Carrie Bradshaw ideal of how I should dress and act. I thought that it was normal to spend a bunch of money on trendy shoes, or that New Yorkers were expected to eat out every other meal. Long story short, I got into 4,000 dollars of credit-card debt my first year here. I’ve been here for three years now, and I’m still shaking off the dumb impulses that show gave me. My brain can’t accept that it will never own Manolos if I also want to own a home someday.” —Chrissy, 26

Again, with the Sex & The City shit. Notice how most of these chicks idolized that horse face, Carrie Bradshaw and her cock-riding ways. How's it working out for ya'll?

9. “I meet up with people for after-work happy hours because I convince myself that it’s a ‘necessary part of networking in my industry.’ (I work in PR in Manhattan, if you want to know.) Because the drinks and snacks are on special I convince myself that they aren’t really expensive, so I order like two of each, and with tip end up paying at least 20 dollars every time. That’s hundreds of dollars a month, and it’s never done anything for my career.” —Victoria, 24

Wow, really?

10. “Mistakes, like breaking a phone screen, or just not following up on some stupid logistical loose thread that ends up costing me money in the long run.” —Annie, 26

You're lazy.

11. “I order Seamless either at work or at home multiple times a week. I always hate myself right after, but it feels so good when you’re clicking that button. Seamless is the devil.” —Jamie, 28

Yeah, and rubbing your button at night feels good too. At least that is free.

12. “I spend a lot of money at wine bars because they somehow feel classier than just going to a normal bar, so I pay 12 dollars per drink, and maybe also get a cheese plate. I also spend like 50 dollars a month on pot, which isn’t that much, but I don’t even like pot that much. I just have a few glasses of wine and I’m like, ‘I want a joint right now,’ smoke half of it, and fall asleep. Don’t put that in, actually. Well, whatever, put it in. I own it.” —Amy, 29

Feelings cost money.

13. “Fucking brunch. Fucking brunch is the reason I will never own property.” —Allie, 23

I agree. Instead of fucking brunch you should fuck Christian Grey. You won't own the property outright, but after the divorce, you will.

14. “Seamless, especially the same Szechuan restaurant I order from literally every week. Remember that scene where Miranda thinks the woman at the takeout place is making fun of her for always ordering the same thing? That scene is me, and it is bleak.” —Hannah, 25

I really think there should be a shrine or statue of Carrie and the girls in downtown, Manhatten. That way all these chicks can go pray to their savior while they live under it in sleeping bags.

15. “I spend money on makeup, blowouts, and nail art, in huge part for the Instagram likes. It is probably the saddest thing about myself.” —Naomi, 27

You're an attention whore? You don't say.

16. “When I was looking for a job here, I thought that every other girl in my industry was extremely chic and put together, so I needed to be the same way. I would buy an entirely new outfit for every interview, telling myself that it was an ‘investment in my future.’ I make about 29K right now (at least it’s a job in my industry), I live in a closet in Bed-Stuy, and my checking account will take years to recover from those dumb fucking interview outfits.” —Sam, 26

That is the dumbest investment story I've ever heard. Who are you, Don Cherry?

17. “I realized I spent 260 dollars on Seamless last month. And my actual, real-live first thought was, ‘That’s better than I thought it would be.’” —Carly, 25

What the fuck is this Seamless shit...and does it provide a yielding dividend?

18. “Designer coffee. There is this really Brooklyn-y coffee shop across from my office, and going there every day feels like being inside a Pinterest board. I probably spend 12 dollars a day on coffee alone, partially because that dumb coffee shop is so fucking cute.” —Liz, 32

If only coffee could fuel cars and keep the bills paid...

19. “Saying yes to doing shit with my rich friends who are still being helped out by their parents. I say yes, then I always end up regretting it. I really need to get rid of those people.” —Lindsay, 29

You're a follower. A real Independent Woman ™ like Carrie and the gurls.

20. “Umm, the dumbest thing in my life is my apartment. Since I got on my lease I got a different job where I make less money (it’s a really awesome job, my other one was terrible), but I still pay the same. I pay like half of my salary in my rent, but I’m too lazy to move.” —Andrea, 26

Your last job paid you more because it sucked (Probably had more duties). Your current job pays you less because it sucks less (less responsibility). You're lazy and delusional and you even admit it.

21. “I celebrated my job by buying a pair of Louboutins, and then got laid off six months later. Ha! Ha! Ha!” —Melanie, 27

Wow...like nobody in the history of getting a new job/promotion has done this! You're an idiot.

Party Like I'm 19-29!

The takeaway from this is that basics spend most of their money in order to avoid cooking and as part of an aesthetic arms race with their fellow basics.

These bimbos are in their mid-twenties to early-30s. Some of them are closer to menopause than they are to their teenage years, yet they're bumbling around like they're temporarily-downtrodden-princesses in a Disney movie with a happily-ever-after just around the corner. Most importantly, the majority of basic bitches by the time they hit The Wall, have no savings or any financial clue, whatsoever. Women in general have no idea how economics or how balancing the books works. That is because they rely mainly on men for doing that. Have you ever heard of a grown woman managing her own portfolio of stocks? If she does invest, she probably relies on a financial adviser (usually a man). No wonder these sloots try to sneak appetizers past you guys on dates. It’s amazing how they squander resources as if it were oxygen.

If you read closely, 2/3rds of the shit listed is just frivolous crap to impress/compete with other women, while the other 1/3rd is to satisfy basic gluttony and self medication with alcohol/drugs. The reason why women spend these resources on trinkets is to signal to other womens' subconscious that men (possibly high value men) are spending resources on them, even if it’s just them using Daddy’s credit card or their own paycheck from Starbucks to dress the part of a woman that has value to men.

Our basic bitch simply knows nothing. She lacks perspective. We feel bad for her – they[basic bitches] are probably less happy than many of their previous generations. They lack purpose. They feel this on a visceral level but have trouble putting these feelings into words. So they make up for their inability to feel deep, sustained happiness by engaging in vacuous behavior - $24 brunch on Sundays with mimosas. Cab rides home. House of Cards marathons, a grand dose of sarcasm while they type on their smartphone: “I can't see that show with you but let's do lunch on Wednesday, I should be able to get away.”

Amazing how when you read this article, or others like it, you get the takeaway that all of these bitches realize that their personal and financial lives are a total mess, their "careers" are going nowhere, yet they have absolutely no intention of ever doing anything about it and everyone else "just has to deal with it." It's like they're waiting for a fucking bailout and I'm sure a lot of them at least occasionally have some dude paying those credit card bills for them. It's almost comedic, like watching Lemmings walk off the edge of a cliff. Women taking retarded "public relations" jobs that drain all their time and pay 30k a year in a high cost- of-living city like New York, then they spend their free time going into credit card debt that they're never going to be able to pay off from buying useless junk, yet they seem to have no awareness that they're digging a deeper hole for themselves. Just keep smoking that weed. getting that pussy dug-out by Chad, and passing out of the couch with Netflix on in the background and your cats pissing all over your overpriced hole in the wall in glamorous NYC.

Alas, most chicks like the ones described here are never really poor, not while there is The Thirst.

We always say to ourselves, when observing these creatures of consumption and are baffled when trying to understand, “Why do modern women have so much stuff”. I know now. But before it perplexed me, as girls whom work 20 (+/-) hours a week have designer bags and can go out all the time. Realize that thirsty men, the government (Male taxes) subsidize women by large numbers, and in return they can get huge access to credit and then end up blowing it all on food, shoes and booze.

Basic Bitch Economics pretty much looks like this (based on averages):

Annual Consumption Vs. Annual Production

Starbucks Coffee ($1,100-2000)* Starbucks Barista (Min-wage/ $10-15,000)

Hair/salon ($1,800)*

Make-up ($234)*

Tuition ($8-10,000)*

John Mayer Concert ($128 including booze)*

Clothes/Shopping ($1,000-2,000 = 399 hrs on avg)*

Trip to Cancun ($800-1,000)*

Food/Eating Out ($2,000)*

New Vibrator/dildo ($40)

Male Cock ($0)

* Subsidized by Daddy/beta boyfriends and Thirsty Theodores' or the Government

As you can see, our gurl every year runs a steep deficit. However, it ultimately doesn't matter because mangina's and thirsty cucks will be there with their credit card to pick up the slack if our gurl is at least a 6 or a 7. Even when her looks fade and run out by 35-40, all she has to do by then is get Tyrone or even Poindexter to put some baby-jam in her puss and knock one out for a welfare check. So, essentially, you get almost a zero return on investing in a basic bitch. There is literally no production happening, or at the very least, you get cycled money/money changing hands from male tax payers->women->corporations->who then pay taxes to the government-> who then gives it back to women through subsidies (I.e EBT, WIC, Diversity hiring, social programs etc).

Even if our basic bitch gets a "Big gurl job" she still has no financial clue about how money works and will just inflate her spending along with her improved paycheck.

But hey, what do I know? Just keep throwing endless money at women and society should turn out just peachy in the long run!

Hell, if I was a victim of the 'patriarchy' I too would spend $20 on Mac & Cheese; knowing that a man was paying my way! How....ironic.

#Culture #Humor #BasicBitch

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© 2020 Frank Cervi