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I Love You, Beth Cooper's Butt

When I come home after a night of drinking, I usually like to throw on a random from The Movie Network. The other night I chose I Love You, Beth Cooper—And yeah….if you’re me, you can drink on a Monday night because I am not a normie who works 9-5, Mon-Fri. Why did I subject myself to this mediocre rom-com from 2009?

  1. Hayden Panettiere.

  2. I had never seen it before.

  3. Hayden Panettiere.

It was an awful movie. The acting was pretty bad—it could have been Hayden’s ass.

If you’ve not seen I Love You, Beth Cooper: Only do so if you have nothing better to do with your time as I did the other night. However, there were some things I took away from the movie and I applaud the writer's attempt at making a hot high-school girl become self-aware of her SMV(sexual marketplace value) throughout the film.

In reality, this would never happen. In reality, a dweebie Poindexter like Denis Cooverman (Paul Rust) would never get a chance to put his chapped lips on a Beth Cooper, let alone have his growing boner touch her inner thigh through his khaki pants whilst being straddled.

The character of Denis was definitely cringe worthy at every turn. He is Beta to the max. And the closest he had ever gotten to Beth Cooper, before their evening of awkward fumbles, was in his bedroom at night— most likely trying to shoot his load at her cheerleading poster above his bed.

What the movie got right was Beth’s current boyfriend in the film. He was a Chad to the max: The older dude, who is in college, but still hangs around high schoolers— because he is fucking one of them. Of course, he is in like some military college and can throw kegs threw walls due to his swole biceps and chiseled core.

In real life, the Beth Coopers of the world would date and fuck this type of dude. What the writer did though, was have Beth Cooper experience her Epiphany phase at age eighteen. In real life, most women don’t experience this until they're close to thirty. A high-school girl isn’t even aware of what is on the final exam next week, let alone what her sexual marketplace value is and what it will be, ten years after her prom.

The horny nerd, Denis, has what I like to call: Manic Pixie Girlfriend Syndrome. This is where a guy, in his mind, makes up the perfect version of a girlfriend; an ideal woman for him. He then takes this fantasy and pastes it on to his oneitis crush. Denis soon finds out, through hanging around Beth for an evening, that his ideal version of her doesn’t line up with her actual behavior.

This is where most guys in life get devastated—when they find out that their crush isn’t this sweet little, innocent chick…but just another Thot. We see this first happen in a scene where Denis and Beth try to get beer at a corner store; they both aren’t of age and Beth’s fake ID gets turned down from some pimple-faced teen behind the register.

They eventually get to leave the store with the beer—only because Beth offered the clerk a suck-face session. Denis, of course, was shocked. He couldn’t believe his woman, his ideal pixie girl, would stoop so low for a six-pack—essentially prostituting her mouth, lips and saliva for a $12 value. What Denis doesn’t realize is that most girls and women do this on a regular basis, in order to score free shit from guys and to get them out of trouble.

“How about I kiss you so HARD, that every time you think about it…you’ll have to change your underwear” Beth Cooper

Toward the end of the film, Beth opens up to Denis dockside by the cottage.

Beth:I know high school

wasn't great for you.

Denis: No, it was...completely awful.

Beth:You see, the thing is,

high school was great for me.

I had a great, great ride.

And now it's over.

You, you're gonna go off

and become a doctor...and cure cancer or whatever

new diseases there are.

But this?

This is about it for me.Everything in my life from here

on out is just gonna be...ordinary.

Yadda, yadda. Then Denis goes on, like the mangina he is, and tells her all the lies about how her life is going to be 'amazing' and how she hasn’t peaked yet. The thing is, self-aware Beth is right; most likely her life, after being incubated in the artificial environment that is high-school, is going to be ordinary. It is going to be ordinary because girls like Beth Cooper derive so much of their validation from others. Beth Cooper was the hot cheerleader; she had ultimate power for 4 years and never had to experience the Suck.

Anything after high school will not come close or compare to a 4-year, dopamine rush. She may get a good amount of attention at the community college; however, she will be competing with all the other Beth Coopers from all the other high schools. Competition will be fierce due to numbers.

As we all know from high school, there was maybe 1 or 2 Beth Coopers in a population of maybe 1,000 students. Most college’s/Universities have 10-20,000 students or more. And most colleges attract all of the party gurl’s, the Beth Cooper’s of the world. Today, women out pace men in college enrollment: Competition for the Alpha on campus is fierce.

The most cringe worthy moment of the movie was at the very end, when Denis spat out this pathetic line.

“If we're both still single,

I'll marry you.

That's a promise.”Denis Cooverman

This line would make any man want to punch a kid like the fleshy patch where his balls should be. A line that would make any girl drier than the Sahara in her panties. No need to get a mop or a 'Wet Floor' sign because Denis is save the day. Mr. Captain save-a-hoe, himself.

If these characters were real, the one promise I could make for Denise is that Beth Cooper will not be single when that time comes. That girl will get knocked up in a heartbeat or banged into oblivion, in college.

Denis, however, would jump at the chance to wife-up Beth, long after all the thugs have used and abused her; had rode her wild and put her away, wet. Denis is a Beta in waiting.

This movie perfectly illustrated what NOT to do: Which is being Denis. I mean, out of that whole evening, he only got a make-out; no finger-blasting, no hand-jibbers.

Nothing but fake promises.

The only redeeming quality of this film was watching Hayden Panettiere’s tight little butt, prance around on screen for 1hr 42 min.

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